Why I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy

Hello Blogspot. It's been a super long time and I am just super excited I managed to access this account again :) There is something that I really want to write about. So here we go. People are not born with an inherent understanding of many social dynamics. We as children grow up learning things like what a relationship looks like, men and women's roles, how to relate to and speak to other human beings. And even the most gifted and wonderful parents can't always be there to teach us all the details. So we sometimes learn from other sources. Growing up I learned a lot of things from my friends, as many children do. And I watched A LOT of TV. Like more than was at all healthy for a child but my Mother was big into letting me make my own decisions. And so I learned a lot of norms from TV and movies. If you think you didn't then I encourage you to count how many times in a day you think about movies or TV and then tell me that shit isn't in your head. So, TV and movies can make a big impact on how we perceive the world. That being said, sometimes it's not a good impact. I work at domestic abuse shelter as a crisis intervention social worker. What this means is that it is my job to sit down with the women and men who come to the shelter and be the first person who speaks to them. The first person to ask them what is wrong and what is happening to them. So I hear a lot A LOT of stories about abuse and violence and just general sadness. To be clear here, I'm not asking for pity. I love my job. The people I work with are unique and giving and have big hearts and senses of humor that help me with so much. So, no pity. Just explaining where I am in life's journey right now. So, I hear these stories. And I start thinking, "Wow, what makes it OK in one person's mind to treat another person like this?" Because abusers are not some inhuman monster as much as we would like to believe they are. They were children once. They were learning how the world works once and their place in it. Surely it's not just shitty parents that make them abusive. I know a lot of kids who had shitty parents and grew up to be just fine. So then, let's take a step back. Could it be our culture? Could it be our TV and our movies and our video games and our music and our dialogues that teach children that hurting and debasing another human being is OK? Yes. Of course it is our culture. Maroon 5's Animal. Grand Theft Auto. Girls Gone Wild. I could keep listing things but at the end of the day it's easy to see if you look for it. Start looking for the messages in what you're watching or playing or listening to. There's messages in everything whether you're willing to see it or not. Start asking yourself if what you're looking at has any examples of good, honest, equal exchanges between men and women. Asking yourself if violence is used as entertainment or shown as encouragement. You're an adult and you have a brain. All I'm asking is that you use your big sexy smart brain to start thinking about these things. Because once you do, it's a freaking trip man.

Recovery

Well I think the breakup with Austin is getting easier. I find that I only think about him like 4 or 5 times a day now instead of constantly. He recently told me that he's not talking to me for a week. Because he needs to think. So hopefully things will get better for him. I went to a NARAL pro choice training today. That was really fun and I learned a lot about how to effectively argue pro choice values. Plus I learned how important blogs can be for stress relief. On a side note: Kevin and I have been fighting lately. A lot. And today he finally apologized and then offered me a ride on his motorcycle. I know it sounds super stupid but I'm not ready to let him into my life fully yet. He's been a huge asshole. But he is trying to be better now.

Chapters

I think if I ever decide to write a book about my life the chapters will be strange. Because sometimes I feel like the person I am, and my choices in life are so often dictated by who I am dating. If I named the chapters they would be called Matt, Eric, Addison, Sean, Greg and Austin. And there's a different Libby for each one. So then, who is Libby when she's not with anyone? I think it's time to find out. I'm really scared. Of being alone and unwanted and unattractive. But I'm excited at the same time. There's a freedom here I haven't felt in a while. And I want that. I have Senate and CWC. I have classes and two jobs. I won't be bored.

Dark Shadows

Well, lots has been happening! I saw Dark Shadows with my mom last night. It's pretty good if you go in expecting a cheesy movie. Plus Johnny Depp is fun to look at as always. Plus the little girl from Kickass was amazingly grown up! She has really nice legs, which made me feel creepy to realize... Then last night while I was trying to sleep two animals starting fighting outside. Sounded like cats. And it was crazy loud. My dog started barking and then climbed into bed with me and whined. He's an excellent watch dog as you can tell. My job situation is looking up. Currently I'm so bored at the Museum that I could cry. I just feel like I've seriously outgrown working at museums. I've been doing it for almost 5 years now. BUT I was surfing the web looking for new jobs and I found a nanny gig that would really work for me. I would be watching an infant girl 3 days a week and I would love that. Well, got 6 hours at DQ ahead of me and then some DND tonight! Whoop Whoop

HBO's girls

Ah this show...I love it intensely. Currently it's the pop culture item that feminists cant seem to agree on. On one hand, it is very realistic in how 20 somethings talk to each other, treat each other, adn just generally handle life. There are a few things though that aren't the greatest. For one, the entire cast so far is white. I would appreciate a bit more diversity, and also the clothing isn't accurate for what the audience is supposed to believe the girls are making. HOWEVER, that being said, the characters are amazing. Not since Buffy have I been so impressed with the creativity of the characters. Hannah, the main girl, has so much of my personality in her. She's awkward and insecure about her body and she's a feminist. The other characters are wonderful as well. One situation that this show portrays very accurately that many shows don't is the 'too nice guy relationship' I've been in one of these before and the show portrays it perfectly. Basically the man is so nice and always wanting to talk that the girl gets a little bored and starts asking him to be a little more assertive. She really wants to leave but she can't because, as quoted in the show, she is 'trapped in a cage of his kindness' Though I've heard people say that they think the girl is selfish I just think it's human nature. Anyways that's probably the most well written part of the show. Still at the cabin. The waves are hitting the shore quite a bit today. Looks like we're in for a storm tonight! Austin moves into his new place on Thursday. It will nice to have a place to crash where we can actually sleep in and not have to get up 30 mins early to drive to work. Plus he's just really excited. He loves his new job and really likes the money that he's making. He's got a wonderful work ethic, and I love that about him :) Shout out to Kevin! Who finally got his own blog :)

Catwoman

Ok, so I know that technically it really sucks but I enjoy the movie Catwoman with Halle Berry in it. What can I say? I like the whole cheesy superhero thing... Speaking of things I like that everyone else hates...the new justin beiber song, Girlfriend. or maybe it's called boyfriend? Idk, either way I really dig it. So there world! I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH YOU!!! :D Spending another night alone at the cabin. It's pretty lame...I get really sick of the silence. I miss all my theater buddies and I'm already sick of working. Maybe that's just because I'm not used to it though. Or because the jobs are currently very boring. I just have to find a way to liven them up a little bit. Maybe it will get better when the actual summer hits. Then the museum will start to pick up. Austin starts his new job tomorrow. Looks like it's going to be 6AM to 4PM monday thru friday. Tough hours if you ask me, but he loves having a job, so I guess it's good for him. He'll be working putting together storm doors. Lots of shop work like he's used to. I just hope he has a great first day. Mother's day went fairly well. Spent all morning fishing with Mom, but didn't catch anything. Then I worked at the museum all day. It was a party. And by that I mean it was ok and I survived it. Well, ta ta for now.

SUMMERRR

Living at the family cabin in Oakwood for the next couple weeks until I can move into the new house. It's an ok situation, although there is no internet until my family visits and brings the hotspot. As is the situation now. Today is the only day off that I'll have for a few weeks. So I spent it with the family in Watertown. Went to the zoo and then to the old operahouse to have a DELICIOUS dinner! Got to randomly see Michael from SDSU. It's always wonderful to see him. Tomorrow is Mother's Day! Not sure what I'll do yet. Cross that bridge when I come to it.