I CAN'T DO BOTH!

Sean, I know you don't read this, and I know nobody really does, but I feel that if I don't write it, I'll break down and die....

1. You and I liked each other, and I told you I liked you first.

2. I WAITED FOR TWO MONTHS FOR YOU

3. I asked you flat-out if you wanted to date....if we should date...

4. I made myself open up to you...because it hardly seemed like a risk at the time. Because you are so full of good...

5. I love you. As a friend. But falling in love with you has been something that I think is possible for such a long time...

and now you won't open up to me anymore. You are so mad that I've kissed another guy (when you and I never kissed) that you can't tell me what you're feeling or how to resolve it.

You're doing what I never thought you would Seany boy. You're pulling away and hurting me through every step of it.

I love you. But you didn't take me when you had the chance. And now you're hurt...please just pick one. Either love me as a friend, love me as more, or leave me. I won't really ever be OK again if you pick that last one...but pick one. B/c the little halfway mark we're on really sucks ass...

I got a kiss!!!!

So...there's this manager at the carmike...and his name is John and I think he's totally gorgeous...and I have ever since I started working there in December...and he and I have had a flirtation thing going on for so long...and so last night was my last shift and John and I were cleaning out the star trek theater, and he was like, 'Libby...' and I turned around and HE KISSED ME! AAAAAAAAAAA SO HAPPY!

Now, I know he's too old. I won't say his age, but he could go to jail...so I'm not gonna tell you much more...just that we made out twice. And no worries, that's where it ended. He didn't even try to go farther. Which was nice...and oh god the kiss was utter perfection...the first good kiss I've had for five fucking months...oh god sooooooooooooooo good!!!!

And I got a new job at the Washington Pavilion! I basically serve concessions, clean out exhibits, and talk to people. It's really fun actually. Plus I get to hold a snake! Yay me! I work my second shift tomorrow! :)

I love you all.

I feel so old....

Is it wierd that being around some of my friends makes me feel like i'm nine hundred years old? Like, some of them are always telling me about their drug and drinking and cigarette-induced good times, and all I can think is, 'I've already done that shit and figured out that it's not worth the issues it brings'...or experimenting with their sexuality? Already done it...it's odd as hell...makes me feel so flipping old! Lol...strange that I'm still only 16, and therefore I'm the youngest junior I know...hmmmmmmm odd-ness...

I hate my manager Jarod...he's a dick. Yesterday at work he threw a scoopfull of popcorn on the ground for me to clean up and said 'clean that up' so I did. Then he threw more. So I cleaned it up. Third time, I bounced. Clocked out, walked out. He let me come see a movie that night though, so I'm thinking I still have my job. Just to put in perspective for you how much of a dickwad he is, he calls all native americans prarie niggers and takes great joy in reminding me everyday that I'm a useless worker partially b/c I'm a girl, but also because I'm just a lazy little shit...his words, not mine. So I am currently looking for a new job!

But there's this other manager...John...oh goodness...he's hot as hell...and he likes me. And I like him. But he's too old (not sure on the age, but definetely too old...) and he says I drive him nuts because I'm 'jail bait hardcore' :) well it's been a while since I've been jailbait! Lol COUGH eric COUGH. What? nothing...tee hee...but seriously being jailbait has always been a fun game for me. It's really fun to have someone to flirt with. And someone to tell me I'm hot...and I just...idk it's been so long since I felt attractive I guess. It's nice to feel that...so when I leave my job I'll miss John hardcore...lol but I'm a tough little cookie, and the universe is designed to break your heart right?

Sean and I had our little coming to jesus talk...we decided we're just friends. Cuddley, hand holding, having crushes on each other friends...becasue we don't wanna date and find out that we suck at it, and then lose each other as friends afterward...its nice though. To know even if he has my heart, he's not gonna break it...relaxing...

Last little tid bit...I hate it when people invite my friends to things that I can't go to right in front of me. Thanks Travis, way to invite Mercy just b/c she's up for stuff I'm not. You could have just texted her. Way to make me feel like a n00b because I'm sober for a year now...

Funny...

Freedom...?

Freedom...it's one of the bohemian ideals...it used to be my main concern...freedom is what America stands for right?

I have a friend who recently ran away...he went to Saint Paul...and it's really hurting Rich. I don't know how to save him...and it's terrible...

Elias (the friend who bailed) told me that he left to have what he loves most...and that's freedom...and I gotta wonder...at what point does freedom become the lack of having anything connected to your heart? I mean, I get the feeling that Elias bailed because his heart was breaking from his dad kicking him out...

Total freedom=total lack of love?

Is freedom defined as having no ties to your heart? Is that total freedom? And if so, doesn't that mean that love is a cage?

Thoughts? Questions?

Good moment today....

Ok, for some reason I can't delete that last post, and I hate it...I dislike my writing there...so please disregard it...

Today...omg i had a perfect moment today...it was already good because addison wasn't there...don't much care why...

But it was after school, and I was standing at Natasha's locker, and Sean came up...I just kind of folded my arms against his chest and leaned my head into that curve where his neck connects to his shoulder...and I closed my eyes and just stayed there...I usually do that to him...mostly because he's my close friend who lets me lean on him when I need to do it...but today he circled me in his arms and started rubbing my back...and just kind of held me for a little while. And for a full, idk, three seconds...nothing else was there. Rich wasn't suffering, I wasn't recovering from my atomic bombed heart...idk it was just warm, and he loved me, and he smelled delicious....just very nice...

I like someone who's not addison. And someone cares about me....

Copying Rich....

She read the note, hardly believing what she read...

There comes a time in every relationship where the couple stops talking so much. They only talk occasionally, and when they do it's just to make a witty quip, or to talk about love and death. And I think we've reached that point...I'm not happy in this relationship anymore...I want to go hang out with my guys, and get away from you once in a while. So it's up to you. Make a decision.

She read the note again. Three times. It hardly seemed real. But it was. Fuck him. That was all she could think while she felt the pain start. She'd felt it before. She knew how it would make her hollow and unfeeling...she knew every step...and she knew that she probably wouldn't make it...

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It had been months since she'd fallen, as she put it. She'd stumbled and hit the ground because she hadn't been keeping her eyes open to what was happening around her. She should have known Avery was a bastard. But it seemed she hadn't learned her lesson. Because she still loved him. There were other boys she liked, but they didn't return the sentiment.

Andrew was the biggie for a while, but his obvious preference for freshman girls who were thinner then Jessie every hoped to be, she'd all but lost hope on that account.

There was Seamus, who made her feel happier...but he was a freshman himself...and so inaccesable. Jessie figured he wasn't getable either.

Which left her alone...it seemed that's how things were gonna be for a while....

Crying, sobbing, drowning, dying....

Razors make the world go round
Lights cast shadows that are inescapable
They fall over me, blocking out the sun
I ride the merry go round, bleeding with each turn it takes
My skin parts, and I watch the red that spills out

It is my angel that rejects food so she can be like everyone else
It is my freshman that breaks his own heart
It is a boy who I once thought Rich, who turned out to be a slave to his own selfish wants
It is a struggling middle school self
A girl who swore she would never again change
She would force the world to take her as she was
And fuck the rest of em

My blood pools at my feet
My knees give out, and I am done
With life
with love
with meaning

higher powers never meant for things to be this way