Not Smart Enough...Not Good Enough...Not Whatever Enough....

WARNING: CONTAINS LOTS OF SWEARING...I'M IRISH FUCKIN DEAL....

I know that for some of you, my constant need to save people is actually really a good trait...I find people where they are at the bottom of depression and I lift them up to the point where they feel they can make it...if only by baby steps....and when, on the rare occasion that I can't save someone, I often lose my mind a little, people usually don't realize that's why I'm acting silly that day...

Today a good friend of mine told me that he was happy because he'd be able to hang out with his toxic ex again this weekend. Let me be clear. This girl has decimated my friend. He became so cruel, so distant, so incredibly callous and weak when they were dating that I detested him...and when they broke up he was depressed to the point of near suicide. And even if he doesn't realize it...I love him...so much. And seeing him in that much pain was like a razor blade against my own heart.

I tried so hard to help him. Tried every trick I could...and once I thought it worked...once I thought, 'Hey, good for him, he found a nice girl!'

Well he didn't. He did it halfway, then gave up. And I don't think I can express to you how angry this makes me...in fact I'll vent it right here....

FUCK YOU! FUCK GOD DAMN IT! DUDE, SHE'S NOT WORTH IT! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DONT DO IT TO YOURSELF AGAIN. HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP LIKE THIS?!?!?! I TRUSTED YOU! You gave me hope that someone could recover from their world collapsing the way yours did. And if you recall sir, mine collapsed the same way earlier that year...I needed you! YOU WERE MY HOPE! I thought, 'he can do it. I can do it.' Well...not anymore I guess....

I can't save him. And that hurts me beyond all belief, if only b/c i know how hurt he must be...to have to go through this....again...but he won't talk to me....I can't save him

I

can't

save

him

I'm jumping ship before the whole fucking titanic sinks...I refuse to be decimated by it.

I'm so mad....sooooooo sad....and yeah, i'm crying while I type it....fuck this. fuck life. fuck you sir. You're better then this. Fuck you for not realizing it....

I took my love and I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older too

Well...Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older, too

Well Im getting older too

So, take this love and take it down

Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well maybe Well maybe Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

The Great Gatsby....

OK so just so you know in my AP English class we read The Great Gatsby...and in the book there's this main guy, and his name is Jay Gatsby...and he's spent literally thirty years of his life mooning after this one girl, her name is Daisy.

He goes away to the army, and leaves her for 2-3 years, and she gets married while he's gone. When he comes back and realizes it, he walks the streets of the town they met in for like three days....and then he buys a multi-million dollar house across the bay from her house, and throws elaborate parties almost every night in the hopes that she'll wander in and they'll be reunited...and then when they are, it's not as good as he thought....

And I have decided this is the romantic's curse.

It is when a person who falls for another person starts thinking so much about the person that they're dating that they can't see reality anymore, and they only see the 'perfect' version of their lover....and this is toxic because there's only so long one can keep reality at bay...and so now I'm wondering....

Where do we draw the line? Where does admiring someone we're dating as a good person who's someone we think are good enough for us turn into not being able to see the flaws of them? I have self-diagnosed my last relationship as having the romantic's curse...I blinded myself with love to the point where I couldn't see anything anymore....

SO WHAT DO WE DO TO PROTECT OURSELVES? What about those of us that want to be devoured by love. Consumed, and ridden with it? Because that's what I want...not now but someday. It's difficult...there's too many tricky lines...

But at the same time, I am firmly against any kind of locking one's heart away. I think if more people kept their hearts open to love then life would be so much better....as a whole...

BUT anyways...comments! Questions?

Good day?

Eh...life isn't that bad!

I mean I have a friend who just got dumped hard core by a girl that he legitely cared about, and he really needs me...I mean just to talk to...I'm not even sure I'm helping but he seems to seriously need someone right now and none of his other friends are even aware of how bad he's hurting. On top of that I'm pretty pissed at the girl who dumped him...which I think is pretty unfair of me...oh well I'll get over it...in the mean time we're both in the theatre two show.

Which looks like it's a-gonna suck....bad writing combined with a 30% acting rate is not a good sign. It's a children's show, so it's not like it even really needs to be fantastic...but still i'd at least like to be proud of what I'm doing, ya know? I'm a queen. Not even an evil queen....just a really boring Julie Andrews style queen who kicks her kids out when they won't clean their rooms.

I'm doing good w/o a boyfriend...I mean I'm still horny as fuck but whatevs....

OH AND ABOUT THIS PIC...lol yeah this is just spinsters!

from the left it is:

Rich (Of course looking dashing as always)

Natasha B (Rich's 'date'/ best friend/my 'little sister', and no she didn't actually wear that boa)

Becca Mundt (My friend/The gal elias prefers to me)

ME! (LOL i didn't wear that hat it was just there and i wanted to wear it)

Elias (Black man AKA my sorta date but not really....)

Boys....

Ok, so I thought I had a date to formal...I mean this guy that I liked a lot asked me, and I was like, 'ok this will be uber fun!'...only it wasn't worth shit...he might as well not have asked me...

First of all, he ignored me all night and chose instead to dance with a girl who'll we'll call B. B is a girl that is sort of famous at our school for 'sleeping around'. She's a sweetie though! I love her to death, and I totally don't blame her for any of this. So this guy asked me, and then danced the night away with her. He not only did that but asked her to make out during the dance...and insinuated that they were gonna leave together. Fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck boys.

I WILL NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL I AM DAMN READY

and fuck guys who think that makes me a less desirable candidate for a girlfriend! I mean this really pisses me off. And I know what you're all thinking, 'well libby you don't need a guy like that anyway...' well maybe I'm lonely. Maybe I'd like an innocent makeout here and there....but it seems my unwillingness to have sex knocks me out of the running for those things....

And that really hurts my self esteem...I mean seriously....I should be enough....

Good or bad?

I'm starting to lose my faith in people. I mean, when we're little we're taught that there's good people and bad people. And the good people, they treat others with kindness and they always lend a dollar to anyone who needs it. And they don't lie or cheat or steal, and if they do it's always for a good reason...and the bad people...idk they do the opposite....

But that's not how it works is it? I mean you get to know a person, and you think that without a doubt they are a good person. Like, a boy who writes you songs and tells you he loves you. A boy who calls you everyday just to tell you that he can't stop thinking about you. A boy who you knew, and I mean KNEW would always be in your life, even if it wasn't the way you thought...then that same boy as it turns out was lying. About everything. And now he tells you how desperate and whorish you are instead...

Or how about a girl who you love that never fails to make you see that God does in fact exist, because nobody could doubt it after they talk to her. And this girl, who loves unconditionally, starts to do some things that are just a little shady. And you can't save her...and here's the irony. Her unconditional love, and her unwillingness to judge or condemn others turned out to be her downfall because that's why she hangs out with the druggies that she does...because she has a heart made of gold...

is that what society does to us? Takes our special loving traits and fucks us over with them?

I was regaining it...I was starting to think, 'hey, there's good people!'

There was a boy that I thought maybe could change my mind. But I guess today he made some really fucked up choices...

I'M SO FUCKING MAD AND I'M ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE I WRITE THIS BECAUSE THIS SO ISN'T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!

I didn't kill myself in middle school because of a boy. His name was Taylor. He's still a good person. I've never seen evidence of otherwise...but hey, if nobody else is good how can he stay that way right?

I know it seems like i'm ranting. And I am. I'm just upset...so upset...

Please don't forget that I love you all. Despite your flaws...maybe that's what makes us good people...love despite flaws....

but then what about the rules that have drilled into me as a child about abusive men? How if they hurt me, then I should pack up and move on. How much pain are we to take from someone before I leave? I NEED ANSWERS...but I guess shit like this isn't something somebody else answers for you now is it?

and the picture on top says in braille, 'I think humans would have been better off without eyes'

Dreeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss

Last night I went to a free dress thingie with Merecedes and Morgan. I'm really glad I did! I thought maybe I wouldn't like morgan...because she's dated addison and it woulda been awkward but I really like her. She's intense for sure!

Spinsters formal is coming up in a week...and I kind of wish I could have gotten gumption up ask Elias...but hey whatever I managed to get him to come with our group....ugh.....i'm such a coward!

I held you down deep in my soul for too long

Addison had detention yesterday and I had a break in driver's ed...so i was just walking through the cafeteria and bam...
1.) Suprise
2.) Tee hee he's in detention...
3.) Ouch....

I didn't have my shields up which resulted in a total relapse...fuckity fuck fuck. I keep a shield around my heart whenever I know I'm going to see him and I didn't have it up this time...which really sucks!

Fuck him. I want him to be in desperate pain like me...GRRRRRRRRR