Dreeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss

Last night I went to a free dress thingie with Merecedes and Morgan. I'm really glad I did! I thought maybe I wouldn't like morgan...because she's dated addison and it woulda been awkward but I really like her. She's intense for sure!

Spinsters formal is coming up in a week...and I kind of wish I could have gotten gumption up ask Elias...but hey whatever I managed to get him to come with our group....ugh.....i'm such a coward!

I held you down deep in my soul for too long

Addison had detention yesterday and I had a break in driver's ed...so i was just walking through the cafeteria and bam...
1.) Suprise
2.) Tee hee he's in detention...
3.) Ouch....

I didn't have my shields up which resulted in a total relapse...fuckity fuck fuck. I keep a shield around my heart whenever I know I'm going to see him and I didn't have it up this time...which really sucks!

Fuck him. I want him to be in desperate pain like me...GRRRRRRRRR

Feeling better...

Haven't thought of him in like, a day! I'm really happy! I went to karate last thursday...and my dad is the instructor...and he doesn't go easy on me...at all...still sore...BUT...

he didn't correct me except for once! I don't think i can make any of you understand how amazing that is...it's been years since i attended...and I DID JUST FINE and not only did I do that...but I have my own thing now

no addison, no boyfriend, and libby is just fine

i have karate, i have theatre, i'm learning to drive, and i'm rediscovering myself...and I like what I'm finding. I love myself...I'm an amazing person...and I know that sounds odd but it's how i feel! :)

JOY TO THE WORLD!

TOMORROW WILL BE FANTASTIC! IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY!

Just so you three know...

OK so as far as I know, there's only three people who read this thing...and that's Merecedes, Rich, and Steph...and I made lists for all three of you... :)

STEPH:

1.) You're so kind that I positively KNOW that you are sincerly nice, and I've never even met you

2.) Your faithful, and that's hard to find in our age group...

3.) You honestly care about me, and it's so great to know that you're my friend

4.) I LOVE YOU

5.) You've helped out a good friend of mine in his difficult recovery from some dark stuff. I am forever grateful to you and your intense, beautiful self for that

RICH:

1.) You're loyal to the point where sometimes I think you might be crazy...

2.) Logic runs with you easily, and I have zero, lol, so it's nice to be around you

3.) You help so much with my stupid breakups...and it's always great to have someone who cares enough to do that...

4.) You went through some serious shit, and you are SO STRONG that you made it through, and you're growing brighter everyday. You shine dude, it's magnificent!

5.) I love you!

MERCY:

1.) You give me hope that God exists, because he sent me an angel :)

2.) Never have you ever judged someone in a way that was cruel

3.) Your heart is so big, and you love with so much care, it's impossible to not return your love

4.) You deal with your problems without batting an eyelash. You say I can laugh things off, but honey you've got the same talent!

5.) Life doesn't get you down ever. You love!

6.) I LOVE YOU

There ya'll go. From me to you. Sincerly!

Things I love about myself

Ok, so Steph wisely suggested that I make a list of things that I love about myself...and I think it'll help...

1.) I know the words to Beatles songs real good like
2.) My eyes are magnificent...they're only identical to Johnny's Depp...and I like to think it means we're soulmates :)
3.) I'm loyal to my closest circle of friends...nothing NOTHING will ever tear Taylor away from me...and thats so comforting...to know there's at least one guy who cares :)
4.) I write BA stories...
5.) People tell me I light up their day...and that makes me happier then anyone will ever know
6.) I help people in need, which is something not everyone does :/
7.) I swear constantly (yeah i love it!)
8.) I kiss like a goddess...lol
9.) I can tease a boy within an inch of his life...
10.) I collect people's fetishes...there's not really any one boy who's fettish I don't know...
11.) I communicate easily
12.) I can make people listen. And care.
13.) I love unconditionally and without hinderance, no matter how many times I've been hurt. I will NEVER lock my heart away to avoid pain.
14.) I love boots...it's quirky....and i love being quirky
15.) I'm a strong girl
16.) Laramie Project showed me that hate is alive and well, and I intend to give my dying breath stopping it from happening again...

Anything you wanna add...? Go right ahead. I love you all. More then you'll understand ;)

The times, they are a changin...

He's really in hate with me lovlies. Not sure what to do, how I feel. I'm trapped in a circle of thought that goes kind of like this:

1. Pain when I remember what he said

2. Realizing how much I deserve his hate because I've been terribly bitchy

3. Deciding I'll be OK

4. Being happy

5. Crashing...repeat process

At least six times today...and Bob Dylan be singing to me right now.

I was looking at my science partner's bracelets today and she had one of those leather Jesus bracelets that have three knots, one for each aspect or whatever of God, you know jesus holy ghost and god, and the you bring the knots closer to tighten the bracelet, ya know? Which got me thinking. When we're kids we have little wrists, and we need to have the knots close, almost touching. And then we grow up, and we have to move those knots apart...you know? I think that symbolizes faith...as we get older, it's harder to keep it together. I miss feeling close to something bigger then me. Something that loved me. Not really a christian God, more like any higher power that I knew cared. SIGH.

This isn't me. I'm Libby Trammell. No man should ever get to me like this. But I can't help it. Arg...

I saw Watchmen twice. I'd like to be a superhero...I want my power to be learning to love myself...

He fucking hates me...

So addison has basically proven he hates my guts. I sent him a message at 1:30 in the morning last night...or this morning...telling him how much I hate him and how upset I am b/c he didn't switch his weekends around with me to go to winter formal, but he is for spinsters with Hope. So now I'm like...'oh what a fucker. This is what he replied:

first of all hate is such a strong word but i guess i wouldve seen where you came from with this but you also should realize that honestly u at this point are absolutely nothing in my book. if you think that u were my end all be all everything ill never find anyone else in the world kuz ur the one? thats kinda funny. im getting outta sd as fast as possible so that i kan live the life i want to live. i did kare. i dont anymore. i didnt make u kare about me. you kould of left me and i woulda been sad but i wouldnt send these stalker messages to you or tell you that i would be pissed off kuzr ur happy. i would understand. plus even if i were change shit around on weekends i kouldnt of. i was grounded. now im not. plus im not with you. the moment you figure that out will be the moment u get ur own life instead of sending ur minions out to do ur dirty work for you while u sit bakk and watch my life fall apart? ur funny. nevermind no ur just desperate. oh and hows ignoring me going? i guess u had to stop ur sherade sooner or later. i hope i die. i hope i die soon and young and not with you.

he's right. everything he said was right...great...