Not Sure Why...

I'm beginning to think nobody reads this anyway...so I'm thinking I'm gonna run through my ex's...try to break things down if only for myself...starting with the most recent working me way back...ok? cute!

Addison Avery. He's the really gorgeous one in the middle...and if anyone who reads this has listened to my heart for any span of time this year...well he's the main attraction I guess..

I sincerly cared about Addison. I'm not sure I loved him...I think he expanded my mind, helped me to see the world through less conventional eyes. He picked up the mess that I was and helped me figure out myself again.

And here's the kicker: He dumped me through a note. So I'm thinking...yeah...I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me. I'm starting to except that as fact though.

REASONS IT FAILED

1. Freshman

2. Immature

3. Not capable of the love I need from someone

4. Constantly grounded

LESSON I LEARNED: I learned to love myself. I learned that having the guy that everyone else wants IS NOT fun for me. And I learned to look to the guy's past to see how he'll treat you. I AM NOT an exception. I am another girl. He will treat me the same way.

Eric Binger...yeah that's him and me on prom night...good times actually! I've kissed those lips more times then anyone else...it's funny to know that about someone...

I LOVED eric...he was the center of my universe the entirety of sophmore year...my miracle. God I still light up whenever I think about the happy times with us. He knew me a lot better then anyone else will ever know.

Seven months. I was happy for six and a half of them. Things ended b/c he was going to college and I realized that eventually he would want to get married. And I knew I couldn't do that. I am not the marrying before I graduate college kind of girl. So I ended things.

Two weeks in bed and pounds of tears later I finally left my bed...I've never been that hurt in my entire life. You have no idea.

REASONS IT FAILED:

1. Too old

2. Honestly...I think I loved him too much...it overwhelmed me..

LESSON: I'm capable of loving...of caring about a person to the point where every thought I have is for them first and me second. And I learned how to function in a relationship. I learned to love.

OK, Matt Heintz was my first 'official' boyfriend...he's the nerdy looking one who's in the red shirt on the end closest to the camera...




And the reason I couldn't find a better pic of him is because finding this one on facebook was enough of a chore...it's literally the last picture of him there...



Matt and I dated right before me and eric did. For three months. He was four years older then me, but he was mormon so there was no pressure on the sexual front. Things just dissapated because I had fallen for Eric before I could stop things with Matt.


He left for his mission almost a year ago. It's this thing that mormon boys go on once they turn eighteen. In short, he's gone with no contact for two years. I miss him a lot actually...talking to him always made me feel centered. But he's gone now. Claims I shattered his heart, and he doesn't want to talk to me...it's funny...I did to him exactly what Addison did to me...paybacks a bitch..

REASONS IT FAILED:


1. Eric


2. Idk...I miss him everyday...


LESSON:


Do not EVER date someone right after you wrap up another relationship. You wound that person a lot...








This is me...My name is Libby Trammell...and in my life I have loved three boys. They didn't always love me back, and sometimes I didn't deserve it even if they did...





















Not sure why I did that..

Feeling better...

Haven't thought of him in like, a day! I'm really happy! I went to karate last thursday...and my dad is the instructor...and he doesn't go easy on me...at all...still sore...BUT...

he didn't correct me except for once! I don't think i can make any of you understand how amazing that is...it's been years since i attended...and I DID JUST FINE and not only did I do that...but I have my own thing now

no addison, no boyfriend, and libby is just fine

i have karate, i have theatre, i'm learning to drive, and i'm rediscovering myself...and I like what I'm finding. I love myself...I'm an amazing person...and I know that sounds odd but it's how i feel! :)

JOY TO THE WORLD!

TOMORROW WILL BE FANTASTIC! IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY!

Just so you three know...

OK so as far as I know, there's only three people who read this thing...and that's Merecedes, Rich, and Steph...and I made lists for all three of you... :)

STEPH:

1.) You're so kind that I positively KNOW that you are sincerly nice, and I've never even met you

2.) Your faithful, and that's hard to find in our age group...

3.) You honestly care about me, and it's so great to know that you're my friend

4.) I LOVE YOU

5.) You've helped out a good friend of mine in his difficult recovery from some dark stuff. I am forever grateful to you and your intense, beautiful self for that

RICH:

1.) You're loyal to the point where sometimes I think you might be crazy...

2.) Logic runs with you easily, and I have zero, lol, so it's nice to be around you

3.) You help so much with my stupid breakups...and it's always great to have someone who cares enough to do that...

4.) You went through some serious shit, and you are SO STRONG that you made it through, and you're growing brighter everyday. You shine dude, it's magnificent!

5.) I love you!

MERCY:

1.) You give me hope that God exists, because he sent me an angel :)

2.) Never have you ever judged someone in a way that was cruel

3.) Your heart is so big, and you love with so much care, it's impossible to not return your love

4.) You deal with your problems without batting an eyelash. You say I can laugh things off, but honey you've got the same talent!

5.) Life doesn't get you down ever. You love!

6.) I LOVE YOU

There ya'll go. From me to you. Sincerly!

Things I love about myself

Ok, so Steph wisely suggested that I make a list of things that I love about myself...and I think it'll help...

1.) I know the words to Beatles songs real good like
2.) My eyes are magnificent...they're only identical to Johnny's Depp...and I like to think it means we're soulmates :)
3.) I'm loyal to my closest circle of friends...nothing NOTHING will ever tear Taylor away from me...and thats so comforting...to know there's at least one guy who cares :)
4.) I write BA stories...
5.) People tell me I light up their day...and that makes me happier then anyone will ever know
6.) I help people in need, which is something not everyone does :/
7.) I swear constantly (yeah i love it!)
8.) I kiss like a goddess...lol
9.) I can tease a boy within an inch of his life...
10.) I collect people's fetishes...there's not really any one boy who's fettish I don't know...
11.) I communicate easily
12.) I can make people listen. And care.
13.) I love unconditionally and without hinderance, no matter how many times I've been hurt. I will NEVER lock my heart away to avoid pain.
14.) I love boots...it's quirky....and i love being quirky
15.) I'm a strong girl
16.) Laramie Project showed me that hate is alive and well, and I intend to give my dying breath stopping it from happening again...

Anything you wanna add...? Go right ahead. I love you all. More then you'll understand ;)

Home Sick...

A strange type of disease has decided to assault my sinuses, so it looks like I'm going to the doctor real soon here. BUT FIRST...an update on my Addison situation, which sucks...

OK so I'm talking to him again. Two nights ago there was like, an hour long phone convo, then last night we talked online for half an hour. And the suprising part is, none of it is flirtation! I mean I thought we might lapse back into that, you know? But it's becoming pretty damn clear that he doesn't want me anymore, and I'm working on not wanting him. Just friends. That's a really wierd statement to me.

That's what so many couples say when they split up. It's always like, 'lets stay friends!'. Why do we do that? Is it because we've become so dependent on that person that our lives without them would be terribly lonely? Is it because we secretely harbor the desire to have them back as more then friends, and keeping them around is the easiest way to acheive that goal? I guess in some cases, like in the case of my good friends Merecedes n' Sean, they were friends to begin with, so they can easily slip back into that mode...

I have a lot of people who tell me that since I'm not on speaking terms with any of my exs (besides taylor) that I was never really that close to them to begin with. But I disagree. I think that the closer you become in the relationship, the harder it is to see that person afterwards. OR maybe it's simply physical. The farther you get with someone on the physical side of things, the less you can have them as just your friend b/c the memory of how they touched you and made you feel is too vivid...

Or there's always the thought that maybe two people who split up have too many mutual friends for them to never see each other at social gatherings anymore, which is about accurate with me and Addison...arg...complicaitons everywhere!

Thoughts? I would love some input here...honestly....

Laramie Project

Well for one thing from my last post, Justin and Gunn broke up :(. Only now Gunn is dating KC again, and there was only about 3 days of single time there, maybe even less than that. I don't think Gunn's been single for more then 2 days since the beginning of the year, and yeah that is an issue for me. What the heck girl??? Yeah, it hurts, beleive me when I say i know, but if you don't recover you'll never deal, and it'll all come crashing down in one horrible day/hour/moment.

LHS is doing Laramie Project this year. I scored the part of Romaine Patterson, and even though I wasn't really very familiar with this play when I tried out, she's the one I would have wanted anyway...but god this play is fucking me up. If hatred is allowed to progress to this point in today's society, if someone is allowed to be murdered because they're different how long until I'm next?? Or until someone I love is? My friends are different, and special. But if people are determined to hate someone that's different than what does that say about us?? Are we really just like our caveman-ish ancestors? Or have we all come to realize that we can, in fact, rise above those initial instincts and embrace our fellow man for who they are? I can only cling to this one hope:

If humanity can hate uncondionally, then maybe we can love just as much

So lately i've been trying to compare the two and this is what I've got so far: Hate creates more hate, and love does not.

A friend of mine suggested we are born with the instinct to hate, and that we learn love as we get older...I'm hoping it's the other way around. Because if we could pinpoint that one moment, that one experience or time in our lives that we decided that hate was ok, maybe we can eradicate it. A world without hate. That's something I would give my life to see.