He fucking hates me...

So addison has basically proven he hates my guts. I sent him a message at 1:30 in the morning last night...or this morning...telling him how much I hate him and how upset I am b/c he didn't switch his weekends around with me to go to winter formal, but he is for spinsters with Hope. So now I'm like...'oh what a fucker. This is what he replied:

first of all hate is such a strong word but i guess i wouldve seen where you came from with this but you also should realize that honestly u at this point are absolutely nothing in my book. if you think that u were my end all be all everything ill never find anyone else in the world kuz ur the one? thats kinda funny. im getting outta sd as fast as possible so that i kan live the life i want to live. i did kare. i dont anymore. i didnt make u kare about me. you kould of left me and i woulda been sad but i wouldnt send these stalker messages to you or tell you that i would be pissed off kuzr ur happy. i would understand. plus even if i were change shit around on weekends i kouldnt of. i was grounded. now im not. plus im not with you. the moment you figure that out will be the moment u get ur own life instead of sending ur minions out to do ur dirty work for you while u sit bakk and watch my life fall apart? ur funny. nevermind no ur just desperate. oh and hows ignoring me going? i guess u had to stop ur sherade sooner or later. i hope i die. i hope i die soon and young and not with you.

he's right. everything he said was right...great...

Home Sick...

A strange type of disease has decided to assault my sinuses, so it looks like I'm going to the doctor real soon here. BUT FIRST...an update on my Addison situation, which sucks...

OK so I'm talking to him again. Two nights ago there was like, an hour long phone convo, then last night we talked online for half an hour. And the suprising part is, none of it is flirtation! I mean I thought we might lapse back into that, you know? But it's becoming pretty damn clear that he doesn't want me anymore, and I'm working on not wanting him. Just friends. That's a really wierd statement to me.

That's what so many couples say when they split up. It's always like, 'lets stay friends!'. Why do we do that? Is it because we've become so dependent on that person that our lives without them would be terribly lonely? Is it because we secretely harbor the desire to have them back as more then friends, and keeping them around is the easiest way to acheive that goal? I guess in some cases, like in the case of my good friends Merecedes n' Sean, they were friends to begin with, so they can easily slip back into that mode...

I have a lot of people who tell me that since I'm not on speaking terms with any of my exs (besides taylor) that I was never really that close to them to begin with. But I disagree. I think that the closer you become in the relationship, the harder it is to see that person afterwards. OR maybe it's simply physical. The farther you get with someone on the physical side of things, the less you can have them as just your friend b/c the memory of how they touched you and made you feel is too vivid...

Or there's always the thought that maybe two people who split up have too many mutual friends for them to never see each other at social gatherings anymore, which is about accurate with me and Addison...arg...complicaitons everywhere!

Thoughts? I would love some input here...honestly....

Fighting to Be Happy

So I'm not going to post the note he gave me. I'd rather not read it again until I'm really over him. Which I'm not. But he seems to be fine. He's got another girl now. Someone that nobody has ever heard of, but who've I've come to think of as 'long blonde hair girl' because that's her only discernable feature according to most of our friends...even Sean thinks she's mind numbinlly annoying. Which is nice to hear. Sort of. On one hand, she's not fun, so hey, he's not as happy with her right? But on the other hand, why is he with some loser when he had me? I don't understand...

I have many different ways of looking at my immense amount of hurt feelings. God freakin A! Bridget says she's just a rebound, and that the fact he got her so quickly means, hey, he's in too much pain to handle. Melanie just shrugs and says he's a man whore...which is really unhelpful because that means I dated a manwhore. AND to add to my total lack of self esteem lately this is how my brain has chosen to handle this:

I never meant anything to him. I was just 'another lay'. And now he's blissfully unaware of what is happening to me (crisis of self). Which sounds dramatic, but I really loved Addison. As people we fit very well. I could talk to him on the phone for hours! But circumstances stopped us from actually dating...and now he can talk on the phone with Becca for hours so hey, I'm starting to think he lied about that too...I'm in a sea of grossness. I can't even talk to him. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing...

Miss Independent

Looks like I'm Miss Independent again. Addison gave me a note on Wednesday saying he's not happy in our relationship anymore. Which meant I had to do 5 shows in a row without feeling the sadness. I didn't think I could block that kind of pain that sufficiently. Turns out I can. Go Libby...

I'll type the full note in here the next time I get on, at the moment I'm sleeping over and Melanie Whitlock's so I don't have it with me.

Basically though it boils down to this:
1. He needs to focus on his music
2. He's sick of me suffocating him
3. he'd rather hang out with his guy friends then me
4. He doesn't love me anymore

here's my reactions:
1. Bullshit
2. If he didn't want that then why the fuck is he dating me?
3. I'd like to think this means he's gay
4. Ouch. Major ouch. This is the one I won't recover from very easily....

We got a superior in the One Act Competition and Outstanding Ensemble Cast! It was pretty awesome.