I'm losing it...it's seemed to me for some time now that I am in fact a pathetic excuse for a human being....and here are a couple reasons why....

1. I'm incapable of happiness if I'm not in a relationship

2. I'm desperate to be happy, which it turn makes me desperate for a relationship, which is pathetic

3. I haven't done anything worthwhile this year

4. I have crushes on all the wrong guys, many of whom wouldn't notice if i hung myself right in front of them

5. I really like unavailable guys...

6. Fuck life. Fuck it. Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK!

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY...

ugh i don't feel happiness much...

Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara...

Rhett and Scarlett...they're terrible for each other, and totally destined to utterly destroy each other because they only love each other when the other doesn't return it...sound familiar anyone? ;) pay attention here boy...

Recently a friend of mine expressed his desire to be with a girl that is too young for him...I say fuck it. IF YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE YOU CAN BE HAPPPY WITH, YOU NEED TO GO FOR IT! Take it from a lonely girl. Love is far too precious to waste, and if the world is going to judge you on who you love, well then the world isn't worth listening to. Because love is really the one thing we should never pass judgement on. It's too precious...

GO FOR IT JUNIOR!

sorry if that didn't make sense to anyone, it was specifically designed for someone...tee hee...

Not Sure Why...

I'm beginning to think nobody reads this anyway...so I'm thinking I'm gonna run through my ex's...try to break things down if only for myself...starting with the most recent working me way back...ok? cute!

Addison Avery. He's the really gorgeous one in the middle...and if anyone who reads this has listened to my heart for any span of time this year...well he's the main attraction I guess..

I sincerly cared about Addison. I'm not sure I loved him...I think he expanded my mind, helped me to see the world through less conventional eyes. He picked up the mess that I was and helped me figure out myself again.

And here's the kicker: He dumped me through a note. So I'm thinking...yeah...I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me. I'm starting to except that as fact though.

REASONS IT FAILED

1. Freshman

2. Immature

3. Not capable of the love I need from someone

4. Constantly grounded

LESSON I LEARNED: I learned to love myself. I learned that having the guy that everyone else wants IS NOT fun for me. And I learned to look to the guy's past to see how he'll treat you. I AM NOT an exception. I am another girl. He will treat me the same way.

Eric Binger...yeah that's him and me on prom night...good times actually! I've kissed those lips more times then anyone else...it's funny to know that about someone...

I LOVED eric...he was the center of my universe the entirety of sophmore year...my miracle. God I still light up whenever I think about the happy times with us. He knew me a lot better then anyone else will ever know.

Seven months. I was happy for six and a half of them. Things ended b/c he was going to college and I realized that eventually he would want to get married. And I knew I couldn't do that. I am not the marrying before I graduate college kind of girl. So I ended things.

Two weeks in bed and pounds of tears later I finally left my bed...I've never been that hurt in my entire life. You have no idea.

REASONS IT FAILED:

1. Too old

2. Honestly...I think I loved him too much...it overwhelmed me..

LESSON: I'm capable of loving...of caring about a person to the point where every thought I have is for them first and me second. And I learned how to function in a relationship. I learned to love.

OK, Matt Heintz was my first 'official' boyfriend...he's the nerdy looking one who's in the red shirt on the end closest to the camera...




And the reason I couldn't find a better pic of him is because finding this one on facebook was enough of a chore...it's literally the last picture of him there...



Matt and I dated right before me and eric did. For three months. He was four years older then me, but he was mormon so there was no pressure on the sexual front. Things just dissapated because I had fallen for Eric before I could stop things with Matt.


He left for his mission almost a year ago. It's this thing that mormon boys go on once they turn eighteen. In short, he's gone with no contact for two years. I miss him a lot actually...talking to him always made me feel centered. But he's gone now. Claims I shattered his heart, and he doesn't want to talk to me...it's funny...I did to him exactly what Addison did to me...paybacks a bitch..

REASONS IT FAILED:


1. Eric


2. Idk...I miss him everyday...


LESSON:


Do not EVER date someone right after you wrap up another relationship. You wound that person a lot...








This is me...My name is Libby Trammell...and in my life I have loved three boys. They didn't always love me back, and sometimes I didn't deserve it even if they did...





















Not sure why I did that..

Some Questions To Ponder On Your Weekend...

Sadly, I will be at my father's house this weekend which means no internet...so should I come up with some insight or question I'll be sure to write it down so I can ask ya'll at a later date. At this current time though, I have two questions for you guys...my few precious readers...to ponder and please do comment and answer.

1.) If you love someone, and you break up, where does the love go?

2.) How can you tell if a person is a good person?

<3

Looks like I'm going shopping with my Mom today...lol that's how crazy my weekends can be! OH GOSH!

Yeah, I was uber upset in my last blog...but with good reason...and honestly, I hope he reads that blog b/c maybe it'll wake him up just a little bit. I love you dude. Don't forget that please. But if you can't forgive me, then that's your own loss. I'm a powerful ally when it comes to recovering from the loss of something dear to your heart. It's not my fault you refuse to recover....

Which brings me to my first point of this blog....

Why is it that when we get dumped, we retreat behind 'the front lines' of love, and don't leave again for some time? Why is it easier to hide, and just ignore our being alone, then to get back out there and fight for love? Gosh....idk....it's wierd isn't it? You'd think we'd be like , 'CHARGE!' considering things need to be forgotten...but maybe that's a rebound....

So...rebound are what...? A brief skirmish, as opposed to the all out war that is love? Wierd....I'm just thinking out loud here btw, no need to try and make sense of any of this....

NOW FOR THE SECOND POINT OF MY BLOG....

I found this really cool quote in a book I'm reading....

For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult task of all, the epitome, the ultimate test. It is that striving for which all other striving is merely preparation

-Rainer Maria Rilke

WOW I LOVE THAT QUOTE...ponder it guys....

my only comment is that you've all passed the test. Because you have love in your hearts :)

Not Smart Enough...Not Good Enough...Not Whatever Enough....

WARNING: CONTAINS LOTS OF SWEARING...I'M IRISH FUCKIN DEAL....

I know that for some of you, my constant need to save people is actually really a good trait...I find people where they are at the bottom of depression and I lift them up to the point where they feel they can make it...if only by baby steps....and when, on the rare occasion that I can't save someone, I often lose my mind a little, people usually don't realize that's why I'm acting silly that day...

Today a good friend of mine told me that he was happy because he'd be able to hang out with his toxic ex again this weekend. Let me be clear. This girl has decimated my friend. He became so cruel, so distant, so incredibly callous and weak when they were dating that I detested him...and when they broke up he was depressed to the point of near suicide. And even if he doesn't realize it...I love him...so much. And seeing him in that much pain was like a razor blade against my own heart.

I tried so hard to help him. Tried every trick I could...and once I thought it worked...once I thought, 'Hey, good for him, he found a nice girl!'

Well he didn't. He did it halfway, then gave up. And I don't think I can express to you how angry this makes me...in fact I'll vent it right here....

FUCK YOU! FUCK GOD DAMN IT! DUDE, SHE'S NOT WORTH IT! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DONT DO IT TO YOURSELF AGAIN. HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP LIKE THIS?!?!?! I TRUSTED YOU! You gave me hope that someone could recover from their world collapsing the way yours did. And if you recall sir, mine collapsed the same way earlier that year...I needed you! YOU WERE MY HOPE! I thought, 'he can do it. I can do it.' Well...not anymore I guess....

I can't save him. And that hurts me beyond all belief, if only b/c i know how hurt he must be...to have to go through this....again...but he won't talk to me....I can't save him

I

can't

save

him

I'm jumping ship before the whole fucking titanic sinks...I refuse to be decimated by it.

I'm so mad....sooooooo sad....and yeah, i'm crying while I type it....fuck this. fuck life. fuck you sir. You're better then this. Fuck you for not realizing it....

I took my love and I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older too

Well...Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older, too

Well Im getting older too

So, take this love and take it down

Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well maybe Well maybe Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

The Great Gatsby....

OK so just so you know in my AP English class we read The Great Gatsby...and in the book there's this main guy, and his name is Jay Gatsby...and he's spent literally thirty years of his life mooning after this one girl, her name is Daisy.

He goes away to the army, and leaves her for 2-3 years, and she gets married while he's gone. When he comes back and realizes it, he walks the streets of the town they met in for like three days....and then he buys a multi-million dollar house across the bay from her house, and throws elaborate parties almost every night in the hopes that she'll wander in and they'll be reunited...and then when they are, it's not as good as he thought....

And I have decided this is the romantic's curse.

It is when a person who falls for another person starts thinking so much about the person that they're dating that they can't see reality anymore, and they only see the 'perfect' version of their lover....and this is toxic because there's only so long one can keep reality at bay...and so now I'm wondering....

Where do we draw the line? Where does admiring someone we're dating as a good person who's someone we think are good enough for us turn into not being able to see the flaws of them? I have self-diagnosed my last relationship as having the romantic's curse...I blinded myself with love to the point where I couldn't see anything anymore....

SO WHAT DO WE DO TO PROTECT OURSELVES? What about those of us that want to be devoured by love. Consumed, and ridden with it? Because that's what I want...not now but someday. It's difficult...there's too many tricky lines...

But at the same time, I am firmly against any kind of locking one's heart away. I think if more people kept their hearts open to love then life would be so much better....as a whole...

BUT anyways...comments! Questions?