Still fighting...

OK...so I trust myself a little now...I'm going to post the note...if only to show the very few people who read this just what I'm going through. And before you read this you should know that
1. I called his mom a bitch because she wouldn't let him be social in anyway
2. We'd had a fight because he'd rather talk to his other friends then me
3. I cared about him alot. Ouch.
4. He moved onto another girl right away.

I feel like I'm standing on top of a cliff ready to dive off when I read this...here we go...

Libby-

I love you! I don't know how many times I have to say it to you but I get your note. And yes my mom can get out of hand sometimes but she's not a phyco bitch I've come to find. She wants me to go to a good college. Not a great one. A good one. Cuz I know that probably I can't comprehend a thing like that. She knows that I want to do something big in music and my dad's gotten me to the music part for sure my mom is helping me get to the big part. So I now understnad that she does this shit that pisses me off and my friends and girlfriend off because quite honestly she cares about me and she wants me to do good with my life and I'm learning how to do that. Slowly yes but I am none the less. Now I may be grounded and it may piss you off but quite frankly there's nothing I can do about it. I'm getting my grades up which is all I can do.

Now I don't understand how you can't understand that. Sometimes I won't be able to see you. Sometimes I want to hang out with someone else. I'm not just talking about school. I"m talking about all the time. It's too much I want to hang out with the guys during lunch because quite frankly it's awkward. Everyone in the drama dept besides you, bridget, justin, erin, jake, trimble, merecedes, and KC all either A) pshycho analyze me and my relationship with you B) Stalk me C) Don't talk to me at all and make me feel awkward D) Have no sense of humor. I just don't get it

YOu need to settle down about those voicemails because at some period of time guys lose shit to talk about. THat's the point when one goes "Hey! Maybe we shouldn't talk as much as we do!" It's not spoken but it just happens till your dwindled down to the raw relationship=talk about day+love+clever quips+familiar interests+sex+death. You just don't seem to understand that A) sometimes I just don't want to talk to you B) I'm not a bottomless pit of fun/interesting shit. I'm just not.

Anyways I just don't know what to tell you kuz this isn't working out. You need to just settle down about everything. You need to tell me a reason to stay together. Kuz right now and for the last two weeks I've been unhappy. I need to live MY own life and I want to help people but i don't want to be their center. I'm not waiting up for much. We need to come up with an agreement.

Love,
Addy

P.S. I'll always love you like a sister



The end.

I got that on a day that I had to do five shows in a row. And people wonder why I'm sad so often now.

Fighting to Be Happy

So I'm not going to post the note he gave me. I'd rather not read it again until I'm really over him. Which I'm not. But he seems to be fine. He's got another girl now. Someone that nobody has ever heard of, but who've I've come to think of as 'long blonde hair girl' because that's her only discernable feature according to most of our friends...even Sean thinks she's mind numbinlly annoying. Which is nice to hear. Sort of. On one hand, she's not fun, so hey, he's not as happy with her right? But on the other hand, why is he with some loser when he had me? I don't understand...

I have many different ways of looking at my immense amount of hurt feelings. God freakin A! Bridget says she's just a rebound, and that the fact he got her so quickly means, hey, he's in too much pain to handle. Melanie just shrugs and says he's a man whore...which is really unhelpful because that means I dated a manwhore. AND to add to my total lack of self esteem lately this is how my brain has chosen to handle this:

I never meant anything to him. I was just 'another lay'. And now he's blissfully unaware of what is happening to me (crisis of self). Which sounds dramatic, but I really loved Addison. As people we fit very well. I could talk to him on the phone for hours! But circumstances stopped us from actually dating...and now he can talk on the phone with Becca for hours so hey, I'm starting to think he lied about that too...I'm in a sea of grossness. I can't even talk to him. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing...

Miss Independent

Looks like I'm Miss Independent again. Addison gave me a note on Wednesday saying he's not happy in our relationship anymore. Which meant I had to do 5 shows in a row without feeling the sadness. I didn't think I could block that kind of pain that sufficiently. Turns out I can. Go Libby...

I'll type the full note in here the next time I get on, at the moment I'm sleeping over and Melanie Whitlock's so I don't have it with me.

Basically though it boils down to this:
1. He needs to focus on his music
2. He's sick of me suffocating him
3. he'd rather hang out with his guy friends then me
4. He doesn't love me anymore

here's my reactions:
1. Bullshit
2. If he didn't want that then why the fuck is he dating me?
3. I'd like to think this means he's gay
4. Ouch. Major ouch. This is the one I won't recover from very easily....

We got a superior in the One Act Competition and Outstanding Ensemble Cast! It was pretty awesome.

Ugh...

So tomorrow we perform the show five times in a row for all the English Classes. And then I'll die. Ugh-cicles.

Addison and I kept fighting today. Not like heated debate fighting, like heart-wrenching I really love you but I can't do this anymore type fighting.

I do love him. He makes me so happy, or at least he used to. But I'm sick of waiting for him to be able to see me. I'm sick of not being able to call him. I'm sick of missing holidays and knowing that he's in Redfield all the fucking time. But most of all, I'm sick of his behavoir lately. The boys are blatantely more important then me. Whoopty fucking doo....

Spring Awakening

I'm in Minneapolis, minnesota and yesterday I saw spring awakening!!! I AM SO GLAD I GOT TO DO THAT!!! IT WAS SERIOUSLY LIKE ONE OF THE SWEETEST THINGS EVER! Plus, and here's where Trimble's influence on me shows, the lights were fantastic. There were all these little ones that were hanging down and whenever they turned on they looked like stars! It was beautiful!!! And the theatre was gorgeous beyond belief...they had this chandelier that was amazing.

Then after the show I met all the actors when me and my mom found the stage door where they were leaving. I got autographs and signatures from everyone and it was utterly fantastic. My mom was like a screaming fangirl...it was odd...

Addison is in Redfield, and I'm here. In the summer he'll be in redfield for entire months during the summer. How do I make that work? :(

Laramie Project

Well for one thing from my last post, Justin and Gunn broke up :(. Only now Gunn is dating KC again, and there was only about 3 days of single time there, maybe even less than that. I don't think Gunn's been single for more then 2 days since the beginning of the year, and yeah that is an issue for me. What the heck girl??? Yeah, it hurts, beleive me when I say i know, but if you don't recover you'll never deal, and it'll all come crashing down in one horrible day/hour/moment.

LHS is doing Laramie Project this year. I scored the part of Romaine Patterson, and even though I wasn't really very familiar with this play when I tried out, she's the one I would have wanted anyway...but god this play is fucking me up. If hatred is allowed to progress to this point in today's society, if someone is allowed to be murdered because they're different how long until I'm next?? Or until someone I love is? My friends are different, and special. But if people are determined to hate someone that's different than what does that say about us?? Are we really just like our caveman-ish ancestors? Or have we all come to realize that we can, in fact, rise above those initial instincts and embrace our fellow man for who they are? I can only cling to this one hope:

If humanity can hate uncondionally, then maybe we can love just as much

So lately i've been trying to compare the two and this is what I've got so far: Hate creates more hate, and love does not.

A friend of mine suggested we are born with the instinct to hate, and that we learn love as we get older...I'm hoping it's the other way around. Because if we could pinpoint that one moment, that one experience or time in our lives that we decided that hate was ok, maybe we can eradicate it. A world without hate. That's something I would give my life to see.

Defying Gravity

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE!

There was a party at Bridget's house and that was fun. We consumed enough junkfood to fill any elephant and I get to take home the fun left overs! :) We also watched Edward Scissorhands and Ginger Snaps...yeah us!

Addison is still in Redfield, and he was at a party with other couples so he was extra lonely...

Gunn and Justin were at Bridget's...oh my gosh they're so cute. It's about freaking time some guy came along to take good care of Gunn, she really deserves it...

I feel like someone took half my heart and ran away with it...I want it back please...I miss Addy a lot. It's phsically painful now....and i know he wants to be here, but there's a big difference between wanting and being...

I am the strength of Elphaba and will pursue with hope