Good day?

Eh...life isn't that bad!

I mean I have a friend who just got dumped hard core by a girl that he legitely cared about, and he really needs me...I mean just to talk to...I'm not even sure I'm helping but he seems to seriously need someone right now and none of his other friends are even aware of how bad he's hurting. On top of that I'm pretty pissed at the girl who dumped him...which I think is pretty unfair of me...oh well I'll get over it...in the mean time we're both in the theatre two show.

Which looks like it's a-gonna suck....bad writing combined with a 30% acting rate is not a good sign. It's a children's show, so it's not like it even really needs to be fantastic...but still i'd at least like to be proud of what I'm doing, ya know? I'm a queen. Not even an evil queen....just a really boring Julie Andrews style queen who kicks her kids out when they won't clean their rooms.

I'm doing good w/o a boyfriend...I mean I'm still horny as fuck but whatevs....

OH AND ABOUT THIS PIC...lol yeah this is just spinsters!

from the left it is:

Rich (Of course looking dashing as always)

Natasha B (Rich's 'date'/ best friend/my 'little sister', and no she didn't actually wear that boa)

Becca Mundt (My friend/The gal elias prefers to me)

ME! (LOL i didn't wear that hat it was just there and i wanted to wear it)

Elias (Black man AKA my sorta date but not really....)

Boys....

Ok, so I thought I had a date to formal...I mean this guy that I liked a lot asked me, and I was like, 'ok this will be uber fun!'...only it wasn't worth shit...he might as well not have asked me...

First of all, he ignored me all night and chose instead to dance with a girl who'll we'll call B. B is a girl that is sort of famous at our school for 'sleeping around'. She's a sweetie though! I love her to death, and I totally don't blame her for any of this. So this guy asked me, and then danced the night away with her. He not only did that but asked her to make out during the dance...and insinuated that they were gonna leave together. Fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck boys.

I WILL NOT HAVE SEX UNTIL I AM DAMN READY

and fuck guys who think that makes me a less desirable candidate for a girlfriend! I mean this really pisses me off. And I know what you're all thinking, 'well libby you don't need a guy like that anyway...' well maybe I'm lonely. Maybe I'd like an innocent makeout here and there....but it seems my unwillingness to have sex knocks me out of the running for those things....

And that really hurts my self esteem...I mean seriously....I should be enough....

Good or bad?

I'm starting to lose my faith in people. I mean, when we're little we're taught that there's good people and bad people. And the good people, they treat others with kindness and they always lend a dollar to anyone who needs it. And they don't lie or cheat or steal, and if they do it's always for a good reason...and the bad people...idk they do the opposite....

But that's not how it works is it? I mean you get to know a person, and you think that without a doubt they are a good person. Like, a boy who writes you songs and tells you he loves you. A boy who calls you everyday just to tell you that he can't stop thinking about you. A boy who you knew, and I mean KNEW would always be in your life, even if it wasn't the way you thought...then that same boy as it turns out was lying. About everything. And now he tells you how desperate and whorish you are instead...

Or how about a girl who you love that never fails to make you see that God does in fact exist, because nobody could doubt it after they talk to her. And this girl, who loves unconditionally, starts to do some things that are just a little shady. And you can't save her...and here's the irony. Her unconditional love, and her unwillingness to judge or condemn others turned out to be her downfall because that's why she hangs out with the druggies that she does...because she has a heart made of gold...

is that what society does to us? Takes our special loving traits and fucks us over with them?

I was regaining it...I was starting to think, 'hey, there's good people!'

There was a boy that I thought maybe could change my mind. But I guess today he made some really fucked up choices...

I'M SO FUCKING MAD AND I'M ACTUALLY CRYING WHILE I WRITE THIS BECAUSE THIS SO ISN'T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!

I didn't kill myself in middle school because of a boy. His name was Taylor. He's still a good person. I've never seen evidence of otherwise...but hey, if nobody else is good how can he stay that way right?

I know it seems like i'm ranting. And I am. I'm just upset...so upset...

Please don't forget that I love you all. Despite your flaws...maybe that's what makes us good people...love despite flaws....

but then what about the rules that have drilled into me as a child about abusive men? How if they hurt me, then I should pack up and move on. How much pain are we to take from someone before I leave? I NEED ANSWERS...but I guess shit like this isn't something somebody else answers for you now is it?

and the picture on top says in braille, 'I think humans would have been better off without eyes'

Dreeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssss

Last night I went to a free dress thingie with Merecedes and Morgan. I'm really glad I did! I thought maybe I wouldn't like morgan...because she's dated addison and it woulda been awkward but I really like her. She's intense for sure!

Spinsters formal is coming up in a week...and I kind of wish I could have gotten gumption up ask Elias...but hey whatever I managed to get him to come with our group....ugh.....i'm such a coward!

I held you down deep in my soul for too long

Addison had detention yesterday and I had a break in driver's ed...so i was just walking through the cafeteria and bam...
1.) Suprise
2.) Tee hee he's in detention...
3.) Ouch....

I didn't have my shields up which resulted in a total relapse...fuckity fuck fuck. I keep a shield around my heart whenever I know I'm going to see him and I didn't have it up this time...which really sucks!

Fuck him. I want him to be in desperate pain like me...GRRRRRRRRR

Feeling better...

Haven't thought of him in like, a day! I'm really happy! I went to karate last thursday...and my dad is the instructor...and he doesn't go easy on me...at all...still sore...BUT...

he didn't correct me except for once! I don't think i can make any of you understand how amazing that is...it's been years since i attended...and I DID JUST FINE and not only did I do that...but I have my own thing now

no addison, no boyfriend, and libby is just fine

i have karate, i have theatre, i'm learning to drive, and i'm rediscovering myself...and I like what I'm finding. I love myself...I'm an amazing person...and I know that sounds odd but it's how i feel! :)

JOY TO THE WORLD!

TOMORROW WILL BE FANTASTIC! IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY!

Just so you three know...

OK so as far as I know, there's only three people who read this thing...and that's Merecedes, Rich, and Steph...and I made lists for all three of you... :)

STEPH:

1.) You're so kind that I positively KNOW that you are sincerly nice, and I've never even met you

2.) Your faithful, and that's hard to find in our age group...

3.) You honestly care about me, and it's so great to know that you're my friend

4.) I LOVE YOU

5.) You've helped out a good friend of mine in his difficult recovery from some dark stuff. I am forever grateful to you and your intense, beautiful self for that

RICH:

1.) You're loyal to the point where sometimes I think you might be crazy...

2.) Logic runs with you easily, and I have zero, lol, so it's nice to be around you

3.) You help so much with my stupid breakups...and it's always great to have someone who cares enough to do that...

4.) You went through some serious shit, and you are SO STRONG that you made it through, and you're growing brighter everyday. You shine dude, it's magnificent!

5.) I love you!

MERCY:

1.) You give me hope that God exists, because he sent me an angel :)

2.) Never have you ever judged someone in a way that was cruel

3.) Your heart is so big, and you love with so much care, it's impossible to not return your love

4.) You deal with your problems without batting an eyelash. You say I can laugh things off, but honey you've got the same talent!

5.) Life doesn't get you down ever. You love!

6.) I LOVE YOU

There ya'll go. From me to you. Sincerly!

Things I love about myself

Ok, so Steph wisely suggested that I make a list of things that I love about myself...and I think it'll help...

1.) I know the words to Beatles songs real good like
2.) My eyes are magnificent...they're only identical to Johnny's Depp...and I like to think it means we're soulmates :)
3.) I'm loyal to my closest circle of friends...nothing NOTHING will ever tear Taylor away from me...and thats so comforting...to know there's at least one guy who cares :)
4.) I write BA stories...
5.) People tell me I light up their day...and that makes me happier then anyone will ever know
6.) I help people in need, which is something not everyone does :/
7.) I swear constantly (yeah i love it!)
8.) I kiss like a goddess...lol
9.) I can tease a boy within an inch of his life...
10.) I collect people's fetishes...there's not really any one boy who's fettish I don't know...
11.) I communicate easily
12.) I can make people listen. And care.
13.) I love unconditionally and without hinderance, no matter how many times I've been hurt. I will NEVER lock my heart away to avoid pain.
14.) I love boots...it's quirky....and i love being quirky
15.) I'm a strong girl
16.) Laramie Project showed me that hate is alive and well, and I intend to give my dying breath stopping it from happening again...

Anything you wanna add...? Go right ahead. I love you all. More then you'll understand ;)

The times, they are a changin...

He's really in hate with me lovlies. Not sure what to do, how I feel. I'm trapped in a circle of thought that goes kind of like this:

1. Pain when I remember what he said

2. Realizing how much I deserve his hate because I've been terribly bitchy

3. Deciding I'll be OK

4. Being happy

5. Crashing...repeat process

At least six times today...and Bob Dylan be singing to me right now.

I was looking at my science partner's bracelets today and she had one of those leather Jesus bracelets that have three knots, one for each aspect or whatever of God, you know jesus holy ghost and god, and the you bring the knots closer to tighten the bracelet, ya know? Which got me thinking. When we're kids we have little wrists, and we need to have the knots close, almost touching. And then we grow up, and we have to move those knots apart...you know? I think that symbolizes faith...as we get older, it's harder to keep it together. I miss feeling close to something bigger then me. Something that loved me. Not really a christian God, more like any higher power that I knew cared. SIGH.

This isn't me. I'm Libby Trammell. No man should ever get to me like this. But I can't help it. Arg...

I saw Watchmen twice. I'd like to be a superhero...I want my power to be learning to love myself...

He fucking hates me...

So addison has basically proven he hates my guts. I sent him a message at 1:30 in the morning last night...or this morning...telling him how much I hate him and how upset I am b/c he didn't switch his weekends around with me to go to winter formal, but he is for spinsters with Hope. So now I'm like...'oh what a fucker. This is what he replied:

first of all hate is such a strong word but i guess i wouldve seen where you came from with this but you also should realize that honestly u at this point are absolutely nothing in my book. if you think that u were my end all be all everything ill never find anyone else in the world kuz ur the one? thats kinda funny. im getting outta sd as fast as possible so that i kan live the life i want to live. i did kare. i dont anymore. i didnt make u kare about me. you kould of left me and i woulda been sad but i wouldnt send these stalker messages to you or tell you that i would be pissed off kuzr ur happy. i would understand. plus even if i were change shit around on weekends i kouldnt of. i was grounded. now im not. plus im not with you. the moment you figure that out will be the moment u get ur own life instead of sending ur minions out to do ur dirty work for you while u sit bakk and watch my life fall apart? ur funny. nevermind no ur just desperate. oh and hows ignoring me going? i guess u had to stop ur sherade sooner or later. i hope i die. i hope i die soon and young and not with you.

he's right. everything he said was right...great...

Getting Better

I just took my dog for a walk, and he makes me happy! I listened to the new happy playlist that I made, and it's very good for me. I'm coming up with some ways to help myself through future breakups, and I'll list them now hoping that they'll help me in the future, and maybe some of you who read this...
1.) Listen to The Beatles, Finger Eleven, any music that makes you smile. I recommend "I Get By With A Little Help From my Friends" by the beatles

2.) Clear his stuff out. You are an amazing person. There is no one in this world that can do what you do! You are a unique and divine attribute, a star that shines. Shine as much as you can, and remember that whoever you are, even if I've never met you or talked to you or held you while you cried, I love you. With all my heart.

3.) Focus on your pets, your writing, your music, your acting, your ANYTHING! What do you love? What makes you feel good about yourself? FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE AND DO IT! I believe in you 100%!

4.) Friends. Find them, love them, cherish them. They might not understand what you're going through fully, but they care, and that's something to hold onto. If you need a friend, here I am! Comment, text me, write me, call me! I CARE ABOUT YOU AND LOVE YOU!

So there you are. I am always here, whenever you need!

Love is life's purpose. It's humanity's divine gift. Use it! Spread it like jelly! :)

Better healthwise...hurting otherwise

Still in pain. Still miss him. Still dealing with the fact that he never cared. I was a game. I was A GAME. Remember playing house when you were a kid? I think that's what our relationship was to him...playing at being a grownup...

I gave him back his stuff...today I just shoved it all in a bag and gave it to him...I think I'm healing...? Moving on, well, not so much...I like another person but he's just as unattainable as Addison is. Joy to my hopelessness...

I'm getting old I need something to rely on...
This could be the end of everything