Copying Rich....

She read the note, hardly believing what she read...

There comes a time in every relationship where the couple stops talking so much. They only talk occasionally, and when they do it's just to make a witty quip, or to talk about love and death. And I think we've reached that point...I'm not happy in this relationship anymore...I want to go hang out with my guys, and get away from you once in a while. So it's up to you. Make a decision.

She read the note again. Three times. It hardly seemed real. But it was. Fuck him. That was all she could think while she felt the pain start. She'd felt it before. She knew how it would make her hollow and unfeeling...she knew every step...and she knew that she probably wouldn't make it...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It had been months since she'd fallen, as she put it. She'd stumbled and hit the ground because she hadn't been keeping her eyes open to what was happening around her. She should have known Avery was a bastard. But it seemed she hadn't learned her lesson. Because she still loved him. There were other boys she liked, but they didn't return the sentiment.

Andrew was the biggie for a while, but his obvious preference for freshman girls who were thinner then Jessie every hoped to be, she'd all but lost hope on that account.

There was Seamus, who made her feel happier...but he was a freshman himself...and so inaccesable. Jessie figured he wasn't getable either.

Which left her alone...it seemed that's how things were gonna be for a while....

Crying, sobbing, drowning, dying....

Razors make the world go round
Lights cast shadows that are inescapable
They fall over me, blocking out the sun
I ride the merry go round, bleeding with each turn it takes
My skin parts, and I watch the red that spills out

It is my angel that rejects food so she can be like everyone else
It is my freshman that breaks his own heart
It is a boy who I once thought Rich, who turned out to be a slave to his own selfish wants
It is a struggling middle school self
A girl who swore she would never again change
She would force the world to take her as she was
And fuck the rest of em

My blood pools at my feet
My knees give out, and I am done
With life
with love
with meaning

higher powers never meant for things to be this way

Things that Have been bugging me:

Ok, so as of late, in case you guys couldn't tell, I've been pissed. Uber pissed about everyone and everything and AAAAAAAAAA

I'm a gonna make a list. and hopefully it'll help to ease me aching heart....

1. I have a crush on two unattainable guys, who so aren't interested in me

2. I hate the play I'm in...

3. I'm really disapointed in Rich...not because of his kissing that chick. I don't care what he does with his tongue. But more because...idk I thought he would take better care of tasha....

4. I'm low on sleep all the time...

5. I'm pissed at life. At love. oh, here we go, i feel a rant coming on....

WHAT DID I DO? What did I do to deserve getting just totally ripped inside out by him? I DIDN'T EVER HURT YOU ADDISON. FUCK YOU! Fuck it! I'm still in pain! I CAN'T LET GO AND IT'S SO PAINFUL. I feel like a kid who has a lit candle in her hand, and the wax keeps dripping down her hand, and it's hot so she knows she should drop it, but it's such a pretty candle....
I didn't ever cheat on him, or put him second. I did everything right. But i still got fucked. What's the point of trying in life if you get fucked in the end anyway?

ugh i can't handle it.

6. Sean is dying on the inside. He's slipping away and I can't help him, and I wake up at night screaming from nightmares where he's killed himself.

I can't handle it. I feel so angry and upset and ready to cry all the time.

Boys...

Ugh...recently Rich used his blog to list girls in his life...here we go:

Addison: I miss. I hate. I loved. I HURT. He hurt me...so much...and it scares me knowing how far I'd go to hurt him back...

Sean: Makes me feel happy. Makes me feel taken care of. Except for when he shuts down...which happens about once a week but when it does it devastates me. He's off limits because he's addison's best friend. Because he's a freshman. Because...idk because he's not over Callie and I refuse to live in her shadow...

Elias: Yeah...that's a laugh...as if I could keep his attention for fifteen minutes....

Nameless guy: KEEPS FUCKING PISSING ME OFF. I've liked this guy, for more or less, since last year...and every time he flits off to fool around with another girl my heart hurts a little. I know I'm not good enough for him. I know that I'm just not his type...and that hurts so much. I think it's like Ashley and Scarlett in Gone With The Wind...you always love what you cant understand...and oh god I just can't understand this guy...there's times when he's so like an adult that I'm utterly convinced he could take care of me...then there's times when he's SO FUCKING STUPID...he's just so dumb that I can barely believe he's even how old he is...ugh


I'm in pain...always...forever? I sure hope not

I'm losing it...it's seemed to me for some time now that I am in fact a pathetic excuse for a human being....and here are a couple reasons why....

1. I'm incapable of happiness if I'm not in a relationship

2. I'm desperate to be happy, which it turn makes me desperate for a relationship, which is pathetic

3. I haven't done anything worthwhile this year

4. I have crushes on all the wrong guys, many of whom wouldn't notice if i hung myself right in front of them

5. I really like unavailable guys...

6. Fuck life. Fuck it. Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK!

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY...

ugh i don't feel happiness much...

Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara...

Rhett and Scarlett...they're terrible for each other, and totally destined to utterly destroy each other because they only love each other when the other doesn't return it...sound familiar anyone? ;) pay attention here boy...

Recently a friend of mine expressed his desire to be with a girl that is too young for him...I say fuck it. IF YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE YOU CAN BE HAPPPY WITH, YOU NEED TO GO FOR IT! Take it from a lonely girl. Love is far too precious to waste, and if the world is going to judge you on who you love, well then the world isn't worth listening to. Because love is really the one thing we should never pass judgement on. It's too precious...

GO FOR IT JUNIOR!

sorry if that didn't make sense to anyone, it was specifically designed for someone...tee hee...

Not Sure Why...

I'm beginning to think nobody reads this anyway...so I'm thinking I'm gonna run through my ex's...try to break things down if only for myself...starting with the most recent working me way back...ok? cute!

Addison Avery. He's the really gorgeous one in the middle...and if anyone who reads this has listened to my heart for any span of time this year...well he's the main attraction I guess..

I sincerly cared about Addison. I'm not sure I loved him...I think he expanded my mind, helped me to see the world through less conventional eyes. He picked up the mess that I was and helped me figure out myself again.

And here's the kicker: He dumped me through a note. So I'm thinking...yeah...I didn't mean as much to him as he did to me. I'm starting to except that as fact though.

REASONS IT FAILED

1. Freshman

2. Immature

3. Not capable of the love I need from someone

4. Constantly grounded

LESSON I LEARNED: I learned to love myself. I learned that having the guy that everyone else wants IS NOT fun for me. And I learned to look to the guy's past to see how he'll treat you. I AM NOT an exception. I am another girl. He will treat me the same way.

Eric Binger...yeah that's him and me on prom night...good times actually! I've kissed those lips more times then anyone else...it's funny to know that about someone...

I LOVED eric...he was the center of my universe the entirety of sophmore year...my miracle. God I still light up whenever I think about the happy times with us. He knew me a lot better then anyone else will ever know.

Seven months. I was happy for six and a half of them. Things ended b/c he was going to college and I realized that eventually he would want to get married. And I knew I couldn't do that. I am not the marrying before I graduate college kind of girl. So I ended things.

Two weeks in bed and pounds of tears later I finally left my bed...I've never been that hurt in my entire life. You have no idea.

REASONS IT FAILED:

1. Too old

2. Honestly...I think I loved him too much...it overwhelmed me..

LESSON: I'm capable of loving...of caring about a person to the point where every thought I have is for them first and me second. And I learned how to function in a relationship. I learned to love.

OK, Matt Heintz was my first 'official' boyfriend...he's the nerdy looking one who's in the red shirt on the end closest to the camera...




And the reason I couldn't find a better pic of him is because finding this one on facebook was enough of a chore...it's literally the last picture of him there...



Matt and I dated right before me and eric did. For three months. He was four years older then me, but he was mormon so there was no pressure on the sexual front. Things just dissapated because I had fallen for Eric before I could stop things with Matt.


He left for his mission almost a year ago. It's this thing that mormon boys go on once they turn eighteen. In short, he's gone with no contact for two years. I miss him a lot actually...talking to him always made me feel centered. But he's gone now. Claims I shattered his heart, and he doesn't want to talk to me...it's funny...I did to him exactly what Addison did to me...paybacks a bitch..

REASONS IT FAILED:


1. Eric


2. Idk...I miss him everyday...


LESSON:


Do not EVER date someone right after you wrap up another relationship. You wound that person a lot...








This is me...My name is Libby Trammell...and in my life I have loved three boys. They didn't always love me back, and sometimes I didn't deserve it even if they did...





















Not sure why I did that..

Some Questions To Ponder On Your Weekend...

Sadly, I will be at my father's house this weekend which means no internet...so should I come up with some insight or question I'll be sure to write it down so I can ask ya'll at a later date. At this current time though, I have two questions for you guys...my few precious readers...to ponder and please do comment and answer.

1.) If you love someone, and you break up, where does the love go?

2.) How can you tell if a person is a good person?

<3

Looks like I'm going shopping with my Mom today...lol that's how crazy my weekends can be! OH GOSH!

Yeah, I was uber upset in my last blog...but with good reason...and honestly, I hope he reads that blog b/c maybe it'll wake him up just a little bit. I love you dude. Don't forget that please. But if you can't forgive me, then that's your own loss. I'm a powerful ally when it comes to recovering from the loss of something dear to your heart. It's not my fault you refuse to recover....

Which brings me to my first point of this blog....

Why is it that when we get dumped, we retreat behind 'the front lines' of love, and don't leave again for some time? Why is it easier to hide, and just ignore our being alone, then to get back out there and fight for love? Gosh....idk....it's wierd isn't it? You'd think we'd be like , 'CHARGE!' considering things need to be forgotten...but maybe that's a rebound....

So...rebound are what...? A brief skirmish, as opposed to the all out war that is love? Wierd....I'm just thinking out loud here btw, no need to try and make sense of any of this....

NOW FOR THE SECOND POINT OF MY BLOG....

I found this really cool quote in a book I'm reading....

For one human being to love another is perhaps the most difficult task of all, the epitome, the ultimate test. It is that striving for which all other striving is merely preparation

-Rainer Maria Rilke

WOW I LOVE THAT QUOTE...ponder it guys....

my only comment is that you've all passed the test. Because you have love in your hearts :)

Not Smart Enough...Not Good Enough...Not Whatever Enough....

WARNING: CONTAINS LOTS OF SWEARING...I'M IRISH FUCKIN DEAL....

I know that for some of you, my constant need to save people is actually really a good trait...I find people where they are at the bottom of depression and I lift them up to the point where they feel they can make it...if only by baby steps....and when, on the rare occasion that I can't save someone, I often lose my mind a little, people usually don't realize that's why I'm acting silly that day...

Today a good friend of mine told me that he was happy because he'd be able to hang out with his toxic ex again this weekend. Let me be clear. This girl has decimated my friend. He became so cruel, so distant, so incredibly callous and weak when they were dating that I detested him...and when they broke up he was depressed to the point of near suicide. And even if he doesn't realize it...I love him...so much. And seeing him in that much pain was like a razor blade against my own heart.

I tried so hard to help him. Tried every trick I could...and once I thought it worked...once I thought, 'Hey, good for him, he found a nice girl!'

Well he didn't. He did it halfway, then gave up. And I don't think I can express to you how angry this makes me...in fact I'll vent it right here....

FUCK YOU! FUCK GOD DAMN IT! DUDE, SHE'S NOT WORTH IT! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DONT DO IT TO YOURSELF AGAIN. HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP LIKE THIS?!?!?! I TRUSTED YOU! You gave me hope that someone could recover from their world collapsing the way yours did. And if you recall sir, mine collapsed the same way earlier that year...I needed you! YOU WERE MY HOPE! I thought, 'he can do it. I can do it.' Well...not anymore I guess....

I can't save him. And that hurts me beyond all belief, if only b/c i know how hurt he must be...to have to go through this....again...but he won't talk to me....I can't save him

I

can't

save

him

I'm jumping ship before the whole fucking titanic sinks...I refuse to be decimated by it.

I'm so mad....sooooooo sad....and yeah, i'm crying while I type it....fuck this. fuck life. fuck you sir. You're better then this. Fuck you for not realizing it....

I took my love and I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older too

Well...Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

Im getting older, too

Well Im getting older too

So, take this love and take it down

Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well the landslide brought me down

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well maybe Well maybe Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

The Great Gatsby....

OK so just so you know in my AP English class we read The Great Gatsby...and in the book there's this main guy, and his name is Jay Gatsby...and he's spent literally thirty years of his life mooning after this one girl, her name is Daisy.

He goes away to the army, and leaves her for 2-3 years, and she gets married while he's gone. When he comes back and realizes it, he walks the streets of the town they met in for like three days....and then he buys a multi-million dollar house across the bay from her house, and throws elaborate parties almost every night in the hopes that she'll wander in and they'll be reunited...and then when they are, it's not as good as he thought....

And I have decided this is the romantic's curse.

It is when a person who falls for another person starts thinking so much about the person that they're dating that they can't see reality anymore, and they only see the 'perfect' version of their lover....and this is toxic because there's only so long one can keep reality at bay...and so now I'm wondering....

Where do we draw the line? Where does admiring someone we're dating as a good person who's someone we think are good enough for us turn into not being able to see the flaws of them? I have self-diagnosed my last relationship as having the romantic's curse...I blinded myself with love to the point where I couldn't see anything anymore....

SO WHAT DO WE DO TO PROTECT OURSELVES? What about those of us that want to be devoured by love. Consumed, and ridden with it? Because that's what I want...not now but someday. It's difficult...there's too many tricky lines...

But at the same time, I am firmly against any kind of locking one's heart away. I think if more people kept their hearts open to love then life would be so much better....as a whole...

BUT anyways...comments! Questions?