Im in Minnesota!

I'm chilling the living room of my mom's friend Deb! :D and their dog pompom is just adorable! I love it a lot.

So, I love how basically this whole winter break has been a romance with gregory...it's been a lot of fun actually. I think the deadline adds to things a little...since when this break is over he'll go back to brookings and I'll barely be able to see him. Legit, friday nights are about it. And so as for a legitimate relationship I think we have to wait for a while...until the summer anyway. Which seems just fine to me. I can finish out the year with a few flirtations maybe but know I have a good guy there for me!

OH MY GOSH GREAT STORY! so a couple nights ago greg came and got me from my mom's cause I didn't wanna be there and we went back and hung out at his house for about four hours, and he was driving me back home and we were flirting and stuff. Well, we were out in the country and just kinda messing around when I distracted him so much he actually drove right into a ditch! LOL and we couldn't get the car out so Justin had to come save him. Honestly, one of the funnest nights I've had in a while. Especially since neither one of us were angry, we were just too busy laughing at our idiocy!

Its been a good break...:D

Oh joy...

So my mother told me today that we are putting my dog Jasper to sleep tomorrow morning. It's odd really, knowing a member of my family will no longer be there in twenty four hours. I wonder, does he sense it? Is it like a count down clock somewhere up in heaven? I wonder what my clock says.

I am so so sorry my boy. My sweetie dog...dear thing, how am I to tell you that your time on this plane is done with?

I hope you shall ascend my dear. To heaven, and love. I hope...

Hope.

Gah! I hate this snow! lol

I'm fine with snow in moderation but this is insane! Ugh...lol and yes I'm mostly cranky cause greg and I had a date today and now it's looking like I'm not gonna be able to get out of my driveway...which upsets Libby...

Restless...there's a word for me! Cause right now I am so bored...the only time I've left the house for two days is when we hiked to my step dad's parent's house (they live five blocks away) and then back. UGH! I want out lol

I feel like a dog scratching at the door...

Hmmmmmm...not much else to tell kittens! Except have a brilliant day that delights your very core! :D

It's My Mother's Birthday!

Merry Christmas blah blah blah blah blah...ugh i have like thirty of those text messages! Lol. And I got some pretty cool stuff for xmas...a fifty dollar gift card for Hot Topic and a really nice speaker system for my ipod...plus some clothes and all that jazz!

Tonight I have to go to my step dad's parents house for supper. Yeah, I'm not very excited for that one...but hey I am enjoying how much fun being trapped in the house is. I get along with Kenzie the best right around now because we have to lol. We went out and built a fort in the snow! Only then I didnt have snowpants so my jeans got soaked through lolz. So she won because she was more resiliant than I...damn snowpants...lol

So I am watchin a lot of sappy christmas movies with my mom and I think maybe they're starting to brainwash me! Gah! noooooooooooooo lol

OH. and in case you wanted to know...kayaking down a hill doesn't work nearly as well as sleds do...Kenzie and I tried and failed...:DDDD

I'm enjoying my life...

I realized today that I wake up with a smile like I used to. And not just because of boys.

Because I'm happy again. I have a decent job, friends I love...last night morgan, merecedes, and I went shopping and it was the best time...lol we ended up ordering at Wendy's in an Irish accent and then giving the drive up guy a piece of Mercy's poki (japenese candy). It was really flipping great! :D

Oh I wish sunshine to all of you!

Heaven's not a place you go when you die...

Howdy kittens! So, a lot has happend the past couple of days! :D

Last night I went on a double date with Jake and Erin and me and Greg! It was actually really fun...except Greg and I got yelled at by the guy in front of us for cracking jokes the whole time. Legit though I recommend 'Avatar'. It's a really great metaphor for how our culture wipes out other cultures for money.

Greg makes me laugh a lot. Together we're kind of like an improv comedian group...legit it's hilarious. I'm really glad that he's around. I'm still pretty shell shocked from my last relationship, but I think that if i take things slow, I could love him. But that would be a long ways off. Right now he and I are just kind of chillaxing with each other in a flirtatious manner!

That's all for now dearies!

:DDDDDDD

So, I'm really excited for Friday. Greg makes me laugh a lot and he's just overall a really nice guy!

My step sister Jess and her son Joachin are here visiting. I'd never met my own step nephew until now, and he's a sweetie. Jess is really cool too. She's just like me in the way that she can charm everyone around her with her charisma...it's creepy lol. You guys should see us talking to someone. Between the two of us we kind of hypnotize em! WIN! lol...

Sundays at work are always going to be interesing b/c it's just me and Alex all day. I feel bad for the kid. Too many hours and not enough pay! They work him too darn hard. Plus, I'm kind of worried that he'll find a new job and quit. Cause then I'll quit. Cause I don't do no alex science centers.

I'm doing so much better. I feel warmth and happiness inside. Today I found out something about Claire and Sean, and how close they are, and it didn't hurt. I was just like 'oh.' Which I thought was a very nice improvement on what has been happening lately!

Well, i'm going to bed! Night peoples! I loves yoooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu.

I relapsed...

So it seems that just when i'm getting better from my illness it gets worse again! UGH! Oh wells...

Hmmmm...well it looks like I'm finding happiness again. I have a date on Friday with a boy that makes me laugh, which right now is exactly what I need :) And I have a few other prospects besides him...nobody super serious though. Right now, I think I'm just reveling in me. I enjoy who I am and what I do.

I love you all. Each and every one is so special...

Singing hey na na na na na na.....

Back on the block, really nothing but talk...

I am home sick today. Just a little shoutout, thanks Rich. For adding me, and for giving my heart the sunshine it needs when so much seems dark. I think we knew each other in a past life, yes yes I do...

I watched 'Alice' on Scy Fy last night...oh dear I love it so much. It's been a while since a movie or anything grabbed my interest like that! Here's the Hatter. He's my favorite character! :D

My favorite line of his is when alice asks him why he would help her after she crawls out of a lake soppin' wet. And his answer:

Do I need an excuse to help a pretty girl in a...very wet dress?

Love it.

Dear Ziggy,

Oh dearling...I wish that I had the magic words to help you. I wish I could strangle them both and laugh when they died. But I know you wouldn't want that in the end...I guess I'm not much help. All I can say is...be strong like I know you are. Stop drinking so much. Alex made a mistake giving you that bottle. You need to learn to deal with the sorrow minus alcohol. I mean, yeah it certainly is tons of fun! :D not saying you need to stop it altogether...but you should slow it down. I love you, I don't want a dead friend....

Libby

P.S. You're not Digornio ;)

When advice comes from the oddest places...

There's me and Natasha in our cute formal dresses! And my dress was actually kelly green but you can't see it in this picture? lol whatever! I had SO MUCH FUN

I think it's just been so long since I cut lose in a good way? Yeah...yeah it really is. Because I've been so angry for so long! But when I was at the dance all the stress just kind of melted away and I got the chance to just be myself! I danced on the speaker like a whore! It was great! And the best part was that I didn't feel self concious...cause I looked hot. And I knew it. And so it didn't matter that I was acting out because I pulled it off. Maybe that's egotistical? But I dont' care! I looked hella hot! :DDDDDDDDDD

I was at work today and Alex was being a really big sweetie...well to me anyways. I'm pretty sure in his own head he didn't see it as anything big...but I did. He's older than me, and I look up to Alex cause he seems to always have a plan. I have...no plan. Lol I have silly-ness. But anyways, he's just really nice to me lately. He gives me great advice, and I feel like I can trust him. Which I do not do easily, as I've made obvious in my last couple posts. I was talking to him on facebook and he said:

libby your a good kid.
your ex is a doushe
you'll be the happy one in the end
ps, proud of your letter that's in the news paper :)

Idk...it really helped with my mood!

Love and Peace my dears

Remembering Sunday, She falls to her knees...

How do you suppose the moon sees the world? Do you think she's disapointed in the human race? She only sees us in the dark, it can't be flattering...

Do you think that she and the sun are in love? I think they were...I think they're doomed to stay away when they wish they could think of the words to be close again. But you cannot speak if you cannot understand.

I think I don't like Thursdays. No, not all...I know what they entail now. I will be able to shield myself easier now.

Madison, don't you see that formal would have been a party? And you didn't need to lie on facebook...you coulda just said the truth. Obviously you don't wanna go cause Sean and I are fighting. I get it. I still wish you'd attend.

Fall through like change in the daylight!

TODAY WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY! No terrible, crushing depression or anything! And I actually ate something for the first time in a week! :O

Lol...ugh yeah sorry to scare any of you...I just found that if I didn't sleep or eat then I couldn't feel. So I proceeded to do so...but I'm doing both now!

I saw Travis Atwood at the mall! What a nice kid he is! :D

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

BE HAPPY! No matter who you are or what you are or how I know you. Be happpy! It's a brilliant thing!

Am I a terrible person?

For hating them both? For trying to swallow it so I can move on? For trying to be there for Claire. I know that I need to be. That she'll need me. But it still feels like a betrayal. And that's hard. But I am so much more angry at Sean. It's like comparing a candle to a forest fire. And I have finally figured out what makes me so goddamn mad...

1. You're not over me. Don't lie. That's not me being egotistical or whatever. Fuck that. I know you felt for me what I felt for you and I KNOW there is no way in hell you 'have positively no feelings for me'

2. which leads me to number two. Sean's not being fair to Claire. Hell, she herself told me that Sean wouldn't fight with me so much if he didnt still care about me.

3. I'm disgusted with his weakness. I know there is more strength in him. Or do I? huh...

4. I never really knew Sean. He's just like Addison and Rich. Cause he uses girls, they fall in love, and then he moves on and doesn't give a fuck who he hurts. Sound familiar? Apologies Rich, you're better now, but before Shelbi this is how you acted. And if he's just like them, how am I ever supposed to able to trust a boy again...? I can't. I really can't. Cause it's impossible to know people...

Stop playing the goddamn matyr Lemke. You do NOT get to do that. You moved on fast, and now you're happy. You have can have a girlfriend, or you can bitch about your life. Not both.

I'm so angry all the time...and I think it's time to run.

Dear You,

Well hello. My name is Elizabeth Anne Jones Trammell, and I'm pretty upset...

But I refuse to be beaten by this. Beaten by a bad boy and a silly girl. Beaten by their mistakes.

I made my choice. I chose to focus on myself, on my senior year instead of saving you anymore. And now you have her. Which is fine. I hope you two are happy.

I am a dark, intruiging, beautiful girl who deserves someone more. Someone...better. Someone to make me laugh and to show me things that take my breath away.

But not yet. No, tonight I will be alone, and I will revel in the strength of me. I can endure, I can rebuild, and I can survive. I need no one but myself.

<3

I figure if I try to not sleep, then I will be too tired to feel anything anymore. Good plan! Yes? yes.

I'm laughing hysterically right now...Sean is dating Claire. CLAIRE. I love it when you look at your life and go, 'that can't be happening...' only it IS.
HE'S DATING THE GIRL WHO TOLD ME SHE WAS A LESBIAN
Oh boy...this is too damn good

REVELATION! This breakup was not all my fault like I thought it was...honestly, it wasn't. Because I thought you were perfect in my mind. Thank you for shattering this illusion

I slit my wrists, hoping I could bleed you out of my mind

Put a rope around my neck and jumped, would peace be mine?

Put a gun in my mouth, pulled the trigger, if my brain painted the walls would the thoughts go away?

Hard to tell, hard to say

I bet you I can't, I bet you i don't...

I'm such a coward I know that won't

Pathetic, Pathetic, Little girl

Remember when you thought you could take the whole world?

You cannot and could not, no, it's not yours

I find that I'm left staring at locked doors...

But none of it matters, and none of it's true

Guess now I find out, If I don't or I do

Running.

The hardest part of living is taking breath to stay...

oh, I had a good day. Sunshine, warmth, friends. And of course, you. Echoing on the corners of my thoughts.

Silly girl, thinking you can run away from the hole in your chest. You can't escape it. Simple, and true.

Oh, but I can try. I am, after all, a fantastic runner. Denial is a friend.

Dear Friends,

I'm much better then I have been a while...Sean and I found a truce. I feel...peaceful? It helps to be near Tasha and Trimble and my other friends...they make me feel centered...

Sunshine in my soul! I think things are going to be ok now. I forgive you.

So, maybe you're right.

About me, about how I am. Maybe I am a whore who hates everything and all that. Idk. I doubt it.

I believe in myself more than I'll believe in you. You say I didn't try to fix things, well look at you now. I apologized, never retailiated except for here.

And it's still not enough.

I am done. If you want to be friends, it's officially your job to tell me. Cause I'm tired of making you remember the good times.

Leaning now, into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, she falls to her knees
They had breakfast together,
but two eggs don't last like the feelings of what she needs

Now this place seems familiar to him,
she pulls on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
left him dying to get in...

Forgive me I'm trying to find,
my calling I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
she's been running through my dreams
and it's driving me crazy it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away,
funny how it rained all day...


I really like this song. Remembering Sunday by All Time Low...it's pretty much the perfect song for my current situtation. I guess I really should have seen this coming...and in the end this is what I can say...

You're using her you bastard. Date whoever you want, but DO NOT use girls who really like you. I know you'll date other people, hell I expect it. You know that it's not ok with her though. She really likes you, and...you're being terrible.

It's horrifying what some people can be. but hey, just fits my policy on people changing...there are three, and only three reasons that someone changes:

1. they grow up
2. they get hurt
3. they heal

We're both hurt. So, how much will we change do you think? I wonder...what I'll be by the end of this. I figure I'll be hollow...not suprisingly I'm halfway there. We'll find out. In the mean time, this is the only time I'll retaliate. I don't think you even read this anymore, so it hardly matters.

oh wow so tonight I had two very big firsts for me and Tasha:

1.) I told her everything about me and Sean. EVERYTHING. I had to. I needed someone to know why I'm not ok. Why I won't be.

2.) I cried in front of her. I had to pull into the LHS parking lot because I couldn't drive I was crying so fucking hard...

SOOOOOOOOOOO

Natasha, I love you. You always make me smile. You take care of me when I need it, and you call me beautiful and I half believe it! :D

So, here's to you little sister. Best friend. You make me laugh, smile, and you look up to me. Which makes me feel...idk...admired? It's nice.

I love you!

We are what we feel we are. Hardly anything more. I feel useless, whorish, fattish. I feel like I wronged someone, when I didn't. I AM NOT A WHORE. So stop fucking acting like I am. I am Libby Trammell, and I am a strong, independent woman who realizes that those who hate me are idiots.

They judge me because their friend tells them to. Well fuck that. They don't know me. Dont know the first fucking thing.

Yeah, I dont feel very confident lately. But, hey, I just need some time. I'll be cranky until I can toughen up. I'm sorry I'm moody and cannot function well. I'll learn to live without him, and then I'll be ok again. Just give me time.

I despise life sometimes.

Libby is awkward...

So, I guess Merecedes and Kenzi seem to think I know how to flirt...they asked me to teach them lol. Except I have no idea at all what I'm doing! :/

You guys think I'm all good at getting at boys...I'm not very good at it actually. I asked one boy to formal and got shot down. Asked another AS A JOKE and still got shot down. Oh go libby.

I'm just myself and the only boys I have are the ones that randomly stumble to me. Lol, sorry. I don't have a secret! :/ i just talk a lot

so, I saw Paranormal activity. And now i cannot sleep. oh joy...

i consider this blog a journal, so here are my current thoughts:

1. I'm so tired
2. hey, i love you
3. I miss you
4. I fall asleep every night wishing you were holding me. And I know that's not enough

How much time does it take? how many apologies? please, someone tell me

I am so frightened, I wish I could just sleep...

weighted down

I feel weighted down by people....
I'm to the point where I think I'm drowning with the weight of too many people hanging onto me makes me drown...I can't keep doing this

fuck my saving disorder...it's not my job to save you at all. It's yours. I gave you so many ways to help yourself girl, and you won't listen! I love you, and that's why I'm telling you this. I so want you to be happy! SO DO WHAT I SAY!

Thus far I do not have a formal date...there's one guy I'm thinking of asking. He makes me laugh. It's nice...

<3

Oh Deary Me...

So, I'm basically sitting in AP Literature and composition and ignoring the people around me whilst I blog...

My cellular device is dying. I just got it on saturday, and right now I cannot send any sort of text message. Ugh....

He's gone for the second day. This worries me.

Here are the things I know...

1. My name is Elizabeth Anne Jones Trammell, I am seventeen years of age, my hair is brown and my eyes are dark dark brown

2. I've offended two people close to my heart, and Melanie and Bridget, though you don't read this, I would like to apologize. I doubt it'll help. You've both said you 'don't care anymore'

3. I despise it when people tell me they'll love me forever. I only believe it when my mom says it, and even then it's iffy

4. I'm very unsure about my life. I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from underneath my feet and i'm lying there wonder what the hell happened.

Got me senior pictures taken today! All finished up!

Found out that my best friend since first grade is bad mouthing me with the boy who hates me (refer to comment from last post) and she hasn't even asked me how I am...well fuck fine then. You see, I am capable of handling things myself...it's this talent I have. I don't need any of you. Some of you are very important to me, but I think I'm done relying on anyone. It hurts too much when they bail and hate you suddenly and without warning.

Never trust a person who says they'll love you forever. They always lie.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Oh dearling...it seems you truly do hate me now. And...that hurts. More than I can ever explain. You're in pain too. I'm so sorry I hurt you...it was never my intention. Maybe you won't believe me, and I guess there's not much I can do about that. You seem intent on hating me. That kind of determination cannot be swayed by me...so, farewell my dear.

Goodbye to those nights at the park where I felt so safe, curled up by you, surrounded by the safety of your arms.

Goodbye to our sleepovers where we would talk until we ran out of things to say, then we would sleep, dreaming of each other.

Goodbye to the only boy I could trust after Addison destroyed me. Goodbye to the peace you gave me.

Goodbye to my best friend, my caretaker, my companion, my lover for six months. Sometimes, when something happens to me, I find myself saying 'Oh I can tell you this...' well...silly Libby. You fucked that one up.

It seems I am destined for this pain. I rocket towards it without any control. Inevitable...? Yes, it truly is...nothing will save me now.

We cannot fix what we ourselves have broken. I won't drain your joy anymore darling...I will not speak to you again unless I absolutely must. I figure this is what you want.

Tears and Rain.

Thoughts....?

So, I was reading all my blogs from earlier and...I guess I would like to know where the hope is. Where is the hope that I'm going to be ok? What happens to the love that I have for someone?

How do you know it's true love? How can you be sure?

Can you guarantee me some solace? Some safety from this place in my heart that is so confusing?

Is it terrifying that I don't feel anymore? I've shut it down. No more feelings for that boy. He'll only hurt me more. So, I turned it off. Don't know what the effects will be yet....

Being numb is sometimes the only way to survive...

Goodbye My Lover...

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'

Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the mother of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby,

I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

This is the end folks. Sean heard me and Erin joking about my date with James saturday night and now he doesn't wanna be friends or anything. So...I guess this is the end. Goodbye dear. I guess we just aren't good to each other.

Oh wowsy-kins

So, I slept over at Tasha's last night. That was fun! We talked about boys and made a make out list (a list of boys we'd kiss). I also went to the diner with Alex and Ziggy for Jessamynn's going away dinner. Ugh, I'm going to miss her! And Alex just pretty much flirted with me the whole time. I don't know what 2 make of it. And right now, in the current horny state I'm in, I really don't need the fake flirting/breathing on my neck...it's just a lot to deal with especially when I know that nothing will ever come of it since Alex has a girlfriend. So, yeah I don't appreciate the abuse not going to lie...goodness gracious.

Anyhoozle. This postcard just kind of a struck a chord within me because I never thought of rape that way. I still dont appreciate it of course but you can understand why this postcard is a little unique.

My heart feels a little better. I think right now I'm just fillng up the hole of not having Sean around. Him, Me and Natasha hung out today. Gotta say, he was meaner then I thought he would be. Tasha told me thats just how it works. Once you quit dating them they get mean...guess I didn't count on it though. That's just me I guess being oblivious thinking the rules are different than they actually are.

So, I'm watching Troy again. I love it.

Really great coincidence...

So, Kenzi and I were talking about we really wanted to buy Troy on DVD, and guess what? We went to the Super Target (our local hangout ;D ) and it was on sale for five dollah! GREAT! So, we bought it! Whoo hoo!

Achilles just said a very epic thing...

"Knowing you'll die makes everything in this moment more beautiful. You will never be where you are right now ever again."

It makes things comforting...idk, I really love it. It's deep. In my seventeen years I've found it to be true.

Things are simpler when you look at the world this way.

THREW IT ON THE GROUND! ...and kids with knives...

So, this is literally the funniest video I've ever seen on youtube! It's really hilarious! Watch it! WARNING! Swearing...it's called 'Threw it On the Ground'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMLwUItWmYo

So, I've had quite the eventful day! Oh gosh this has been a pretty emotion filled day...we'll just start listing them. I doubt you guys will read all of this:

Wade and Alex quit being technicians at the Washigton Pavilion because Steve the new head of Technicians is an ass. So, Wade is gone and Alex is only an Interactor, and he'll probably quit soon. Can't say I blame him. The KSDC is sinking like the Titanic...I wonder if it's time to grab a life raft...

Alex Danger figured out what breathing on my neck does to me (turns me on major) and now he says he's going to do that every time I work with him. I'll kill myself or I'll kiss him hardcore...idk which one yet lolz

BIG STRESSER OF THE NIGHT:
So, Ziggy and I were chilling at the Falls after our shift and this green car came zooming into the parking lot. And these five real scary characters get out, and two have on black robes and are carrying knives. Bull shit you not. KNIVES. So, I calls the police and they come and arrest them and basically Zig and I were scared shitless. This was so terrible! Ugh! The police were really glad we called though...guess we did something right?

I went to Madison's to see Natasha after this happened hoping that I could get some of it off my chest...and Sean was there. His glasses broke hardcore...and I feel really bad for him...he seems really depressed. It hurts my heart...I miss him. I don't even need to be dating him, I just miss our friendship. He's been my closest friend for almost six months...things seem a little colder without him

Merecedes is on the phone with me right now...oh gosh I love her so much! It's amazing! We're going to Juice Stop for lunch tomorrow and we'll talk about love and life and stuff! She always expands my mind and makes me feel happy. She's really good at listening.

Blogging at School

Yeah, I am blogging at school. Would you like to fight about it? lolz...

So, Sean and I are fighting like cats and dogs. I really hate it. But I don't think we can get along. Even though I gave him a ride to school every day this week. This is ridiculous! I don't deserve the shitty attitude dude. Legit. And maybe I shouldn't put this on my blog but I'm still upset so there!

I miss Merecedes...I rarely ever see her anymore! D: I miss our deep chats and our shopping days Merecedes. Sniff sniff...

I really don't like things sometimes...doubt if that made sense? I can't wait to go to college. This city suffocates me, and I need to expand. I feel...limited? Like there's something waiting for me that I haven't found yet. Restless...

Ugh. Sorry my blogs have been so very very depressing lately...here's some happy:

1.) Pretty sure I like my new haircut...
2.) I think things will get better...
3.) I'm going to work tonight which means I won't have time to think about this shitty breakup...

YAY! LIFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Lonely...

So, I think I've pinpointed why I've felt so numb from the world as of late, besides the fact that it's a defense mechanism for myself. It's because I'm alone again, and I don't know how to handle that. I mean I have friends and I have a job and I have a family...but it's not the same. You guys know that. It's crippling almost...feeling this isolated. I feel...cold? Yes, cold...

What makes me feel this way?
My skin still tingles with your touch, longs to feel it often
Anger, Angst, Confusion, Doubt
Cloud my mind,
I stumble, blind to what I want
Scraped up palms, knees bleeding hard
I collapse, alone on the concrete
My mind screams why
My heart screams no
My spirit fled long ago

There is nothing left but pain

Good god, will the fog EVER CLEAR?!?!

In "Gone with the Wind" Scarlett has this nightmare where she's running through the fog, screaming for something that's just out of her reach. And she's lost, forever, running after whatever that thing is. Well...I think that's me right now. Screaming, stumbling, searching, crying.

I think I know what my heart wants, but then again, I must consider the effects it will have on those around me. After all, that's always important.

My very last wish is to hurt you...because I think that's what'll kill me in the end. Knowing that I've hurt all those people. I'm so lost...

Anything to anchore me to this world...alcohol, kisses, fights....I'm floating. And I fear I'll never find my way back...

When Everything feels like the movies...man you bleed just to know you're alive...

Meditation...

When i was in middle school I read a lot on Wiccan cultures. Not being a witch, no it was more like worshiping nature and harnessing your inner power. I didn't cast a single spell. Mostly because spells are very tricky. You cannot harm another human being or mess around with free will, or it'll come back to you tenfold. So, it's very important to not do that. Because consequences are not good in these kinds of matters.

Anyways, it taught me how to meditate. And I really enjoy it. Thanks Callie for reminding me that I could...sometimes we get so caught up in our outside world we forget the powers of our insides. It helps me get in touch with how I feel once I'm past all my other problems. Only, I feel closer to the powers that be when it's night time. So I usually am too tired to do it. But that's not a problem. I'm going to go do it now. I like to put on 'The Fray' because i know their music so well I can make it backround noise. Idk, just my thoughts.

We keep fighting, you and I.
I know not what to do...
What should occur
when something so close to your heart
begins to burn?

Little more then this...right now...

So, I'm directing a scene for fresh faces...it's pretty stressful. I really wish that Trimble wasn't in Rapid doing Honors Choir. I miss him like crazy. There's nobody else to calm me down...nobody else knows how. Ugh...

I'm tired. So tired.

I gave blood today...it was ok. I didn't really care for the needle in my arm, but hey whatevers. I know I saved a persons' life and that's enough for me. :D My arm does hurt though...

I'm really not sure where I am...
Can you help me? I feel lost...

Where is my mind?

I'm crying...I love you Matthew Shepard.

This is Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 he was brutally murdered. I know I don't need to recount the story for most of you, but some who read this were not in Laramie Project. Two men who had decided that being gay was wrong tortured, robbed, pistol whipped, and beat Matthew Shepard. They then tied him to a fence in freezing temperatures and left him to die. And, he did, a few days later in the hospital.

This is the result of intolerance. And it drives me CRAZY. Stop fucking saying 'gay' and 'fag' and 'lesbo'. Those are disrespectful, and I will NEVER let my close friends say those things. Fuck you if you do. I'm so angered at the world for trying to control other people.

And this is why today I called around in Michigan promoting a 'vote yes' campaign for a bill that is going to stop an injustice. Did you know it's still legal for people in Michigan to be evicted from their homes if they are gay or transgender? Well, that is going to change. It has to. Please. For me to have faith in the hearts of those in my species it has to...

And as long as I'm on political rant, here's a few comments:

Fuck you people who think women who get raped and molested shouldn't be able to get abortions. CAN'T YOU SEE IT CAN'T ALWAYS BE PROVEN???!?!?! Can't you see what carrying a baby to full term does to a rape victim? Well I'll tell you. The suicide rates are HUGE. Be prochoice. Because, honestly, otherwise I do on most levels consider you anti-woman.

The world I want to live in is something I have to fight for I guess. Well, hey I will...

and it's interesting that Addison is next to me fighting...never saw that one coming...

I will possess your heart

Oh wow so I guess that two of my favorite supervisors are quitting soon...which leaves only Paige and Janelle. Oh goody good good. Don't tell anyone though, it's supposed to be a secret...



I think my job is a might struggle I'm not going to lie. Because we need more supervisors and interactors and no offense Zig but I would really like another girl interactor because right now i feel awkward since the only time anyone talks to me is to hit on me... :/ I made really good friends with Sonya and Jody, but they both had to leave the KSDC for their own reasons! D: I think if we could get a really nice girl that would be pleasant...

Spooky Science Night is finally fucking over thank god. I hated that thing, not going to lie.

My dear Merecedes Meerkat stayed over last night. She really needed to get away from her mom...which is really nice I think because I really needed a friend to just chat with...I haven't done that for too long with Mercy!!!! It was pleasant beyond words. Oh, and we've decided tootsie rolls are the devil. Don't ask... ;)

OH CALLIE SPECIAL NOTE FOR YOU: Positively Fourth Street by Bob Dylan is a really fun vengeful song when it comes to breakups...it helps me a lot... :D I'm so sorry I didnt think of it sooner!

So, let's see...um...yeah I don't really think that there's much else to talk about!

I love you alllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Must Love Dogs!

Oh gosh so I'm watching Must Love Dogs and I had forgotten how much I love this movie. It's officially on my list of Libby Approved Films. If any of you ever need a good movie with some romance in it, let me know. I adore romances. Like, here's a list followed by some great little facts:

1. Must Love Dogs (This one is perfect for divorcees. Oh gosh and it's so sweet...the main guy says the best things! LIBBYS FAVORITE LINE: "You're my unique constellation of attributes, my hailey's comet..." yeah he says that to her. Tell me that's not amazing.

2. She's Just Not that Into You (funny, kind of cynical. Really realistic though) LIBBYS FAVORITE LINE: "Everyone keeps their dipshits because we hear stories about other girls who had dipshits just like ours and they got married and are totally happy! WELLL WE NEED TO STOP BECAUSE NONE OF US ARE THE EXCEPTION! We are always the rule." yeah...that's true.

3. P.S. I love you (This is a great breakup movie. It helps you get over someone) LIBBYS FAVORITE LINE: "It doesn't matter what I do or what I don't do, or what friends I have, He's NOT HERE...I-I'm not here..." It's really nice...shows how hopeless losing the one you love is


that is all i have time for kittens

I took the ACT...ugh...

LOVE

An ode to 'Spooky Science Night' at the washington Pavilion

Eyes branded awake like fire,
each word leaving my mouth is of space
I cannot speak but to smile and seem cheery
there's something so wrong with this place
Feet cramp, voice gives, hope remains immune
I would leave except I think, I'm just now reaching third base


yeah...made sense to me

soooooo....I'm watching the office!

I really like the office. Tis a really funny show, and I really enjoy it. Like, I just laughed until my eyes watered. It made me really happy!!!!

So, I don't have braces anymore, and my retainer fucking hurts...

Today I was at Liz's house and I met Rich's girlfriend Shelbi. She seemed pretty nice actually...though I won't lie, if Rich and Shelbi wrestled any more on the ground Whitney was going to start screaming her head off. She was terrified, and the rest of us were just uncomfortable. And I just kept randomly laughing because it was so ridiculous that they were so sexual in front of us.

Whatever, I'm happy for him...even if he did scar my little sister. But hey, whatev's not a worry. Rich is very smiley with her and I love it...plus she seemed nice. I admire her courage to just walk into a room full of people that she didn't know.

Tomorrow is me and Sean's fourth monthaversary. So thats a plus! :D

Daylight!

OH MY GOSH! So...if none of you have read Sean/Madison's blog lately Sean put up a link for a website called givesmehope.com and it's really inspiring. Seriously, go there. It's layed out like FML only it shows happy things! :D

SOOOOO...in the spirit of things I'm going to say what inspires me...and gives me hope:

1.) The song 'Daylight' by Matt and Kim...I CANT be sad when I hear it...I did a car dance to it today! And some people stared at me, but who cares? Lolz.

2.) Getting my braces off...I feel beautiful...I really do. It's a rare occurance for me...but I'm starting to believe you guys when you say I'm pretty. I feel pretty...

3.) Merecedes' photography...I feel proud to be able to say that such a unique mind is so close to my heart...

4.) Callie's composure and strength. I know we aren't super close, but honestly I think you're superwoman. You're a strong one, trust me.

5.) Ziggy's perserverence and willingness to listen...sometimes I just need to talk to someone who's been through more then me. That's you Zig.

6.) Natasha's kindness...you're nice. Never mean to me...ever...I love it.

7.) Sean's heart. It's so pure, all the time...I can't explain it to you guys I guess...there's not a speck of dirt on it anywhere...idk...it's truely awe-inspiring

8.) Me. Myself...I think I'll be a good person...certainly a fun one! ;D

Love and Peace to all, let tonight be eye-opening and life alteringly amazing for each of you.

P.S. You're amazing

It inspires me...

If you haven't yet commented on that sonnet in my previous post, please do...and here, I'll tell you what it means to me...

Shakespeare was saying that in life, everyone we know and everything we see an everything we've ever loved will eventually die and fade away...and this is ok. It is peaceful and natural. We all pass from this world and into the next. And, here's the way I see it...the world, our world, will never again be EXACTLY the same as it is RIGHT NOW. So live. Take advantage of opportunity. Do not be afraid to look stupid, because those who judge you must not be alive enough to recongize life in someone. I'm just starting to realize these things...and I feel...enlightened? That's the purpose of great literature though, isn't it? To make us learn some new fact about life? Something that unites us so we don't feel so very alone?

Well...this postsecret card is true. Much truer then most can know...

Sonnet

When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced
The rich proud cost of outworn buried age;
When sometime lofty towers
I see down-razed
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,
And the firm soil win of the watery main,
Increasing store with loss and loss with store;
When I have seen such interchange of state,
Or state itself confounded to decay;
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate,
That Time will come and take my love away.
This thought is as a death, which cannot choose
But weep to have that which it fears to lose.

That is sonnet number 64 by William Shakespeare...its my favorite of all his sonnets (though I confess I have not read them all...)

Read it once, twice, three times. If you're like me you'll fall for these pretty words...leave a comment. Tell me what this peom means to you...idk, I'm interested to see what you guys say.

I find that peace in my soul is utterly refreshing :)

Currently, right now, it is the perfect temperature in my house. My dog Jasper is asleep, Kenzi is in the other living room, and Sean is curled up on the couch next to me sleeping. :) My parents are out of town today. It's nice to just have the house to me and my loves. Things are...quiet...and I find I can feel the restlessness coming on. I should hope it keeps itself at bay for a while...

To Merecedes; dear if you want to lose weight and keep it off, then getting sick is so not the way to do it...

To Ziggy; oh I know that you're sick of the KSDC. Find me someone who f****** isn't. I really hate it...that is I hate the way that things are organized there. Janelle has no f'ing clue what she's doing. She expects us all to know how to do everything based on a list. I hate the exhibit lists. They're ridiculously stupid...and Jess needs better training. Paige pretty much hates me I'm sure. Drew is probably gonna quit soon just so he can do CLC full time and that just leaves Jess. Whoo hoo...ugh. Just saying, that place is a circus. I just try and do my job and then get the hell out. I'm incredibly envious of your ability to know almost everyone in the pavilion by the way...I feel like I'm pretty much invisible compared to you and alex. Because you guys know CLC and Leo's and all the big bosses and I'm like, 'hey! I'm just an interactor...' Hell, I don't even know where CLC is in the building exactly. How's that for pathetic? Yeah...

Sean snores really softly when he sleeps. :) I like it a lot...

Well, I love you all. Every little thing is going to be all right.

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Oh gosh have a look at that cutie! :D

Lolz, I really love this picture actually...I'm adorable here, not gonna lie. It was LHS spirit day by the way, I didnt just decide to randomly paint my face those colors...

So, today Sean was sick. But then again, so is about one third of Lincoln...seriously. Marching band alone is missing 40 students! Is that not craziness? Ugh, not going to lie I'm really terrified of swine flu. Seriously, I feel like I could cry. Would you like to hear my ridiculous irrational fears? Well, here they are:

1. Someone at Lincoln will die of it. Then mass chaos will ensue...
2. It's a zombie virus. Seriously. Don't laugh at me. I have an apocolapse fear. If it's played in a comedic light, like Zombieland was, then I'm fine, but during the commercials for movies like '2010' then I will literally start hyperventalating....I REALLY CANT TAKE IT! ugh...it's not even my own death either. It's the idea that EVERYONE I ever knew or saw or talked to or loved would be gone. Every single one. Yeah, that shit is scary lolz...

So, yeah those are my issues....glad I told you? ;)

Tonight I went with Josiah (Ziggy) to the Washington Pavilion and did the "Simply Electric" demonstration for the major donors of the Pav...it was kinda nerve racking, but they really loved it and eventually Zig and I put on a hell of a show. But, then I got a parking ticket because I was parked twenty mins before when i was allowed to. Oh shit. So sorry dumbass officer. Lolz.

WELLLLL, I love you guys! :D

SIGH...oh dear...I'll say some words

I hope they ease your aching soul dear one. I know it's not the same situation. God knows, it never is...but the questions don't ever cease. You're the only one that can stop them. They worm their way into your brain and shatter any feelings of comfort...things like 'what did I do wrong? Was I just not a good enough girlfriend to him? Is it because I wouldnt fuck him? What makes her so goddamn special?'

Yeah...there aren't a lot of people who have any semblence of knowledge when it comes to the pain of being betrayed by one you've let into your heart. It feels like they looked around and said, 'hey this is nice, but I'm gonna fuck it up and leave, k?'

Oh goodness girly...let me attempt to ease the cutting confusion, if only temporarily...

1. She's not better then you...nobody is. We're all on an equal playing field here.
2. It is NEVER NOR WILL IT EVER BE YOUR FAULT! Even if you think, 'well if i'd made him happier.' well guess what? He should have ended it if he was unhappy. Instead of commiting an act of betrayl, he could have at least broken your heart in an easier way...
3. Life is not fair dear...because as I'm sure you've come to realize, this is the plain and bare truth of it:

You did nothing wrong. You were there for him, and you loved him the best way you knew how, and SHE (be it whomever) took him away. SHE is the one who committed a crime of society and courtesy, and she's the one who gets the prize. Him. And everyday we get to live with this knowledge that life fucked us over, when we, quite literally, only loved...

There is comfort in this however...the knowledge that if he is capable of that...well then we dont want him. Ok, we do want him, and the craving for his attentions will take a while to wane, but then you'll start to realize...he made a major mistake in letting you slip past. And the worst way of getting back at him is to try and move on. Don't waste your time trying to win him back. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Lol...I should know...

I hope I helped...refer any questions directly to my cellular! :D

No, No, No, No, No, No, No

STOP PLEASE MAKE IT STOP...I would like to get off this car wreck of a merry go round I call a family now please...

Jasper is dying, My mom says he's not going to make it through the week...

MacKenzie is so far beyond a girl I even can recongize as my sister anymore.

My Mother is depending on me...she told me that her blood pressure is off the charts and she thinks she's due for a heart attack...

Life is spinning wildly away from where I can control it...and sometimes I feel like sleeping past school and into oblivion. I think it would be easily done...

Ugh, I love you all. It's the only thing that keeps me from walking out onto the thin ice coating my lake and daring the fates to end my miserable existance. I won't though...because as you've all told me YOU couldnt live without me...

If I kept driving

If I kept driving,
Into the dark, starry horizon
how would I be?
To never lay eyes upon this place again
This cold house,
My dying dog,
My misshapen form,
The girl I once knew
Who exists with me in this cold house
She seems to care not who she offends
Hurts, jibes, pain
Is all she causes now
Hearts break like glass
Shards slice
Blood Spills
And I keep driving

LOLZ

ok i know this is my second post of the day but this is just too damn funny!

My douchebag abusive uncle Jim crashed his plane today. He broke like everything. I'm so happy that dick is in pain :D

Stupid Internet failings!

So, I'm rather upset because I have two internet addictions: Shane Dawson and Postsecret. And guess who hasn't updated even though they ALWAYS do on the weekends? Those two things! Dang it I was really looking forward to both those things! Lolz.

So, today I worked from 11:30-5:15 and it was ok...Sundays are always pretty silly and slow. Today was good though. we had a lot of people and that is always good. I wore a safari hat all day lolz. They call me safari LIBBY! tee hee.

Ziggy came in and visited me. He brought me a two liter of Coke, and a normal bottle of coke like what you would buy in a vending machine, and a bag of Wint-o-green life savers! :D Lolz, oh wow it was delicious! Thanks Zig! Only THEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN...Ziggy went out and smoked. After he hadn't for two and a half weeks and then he did. Ugh Zig. Why? I was so proud of you before you did that. And I'm not gonna go drink good sir just because you smoked. You broke our little pact, but I'm still not going to drink...hooray for me! Lolz.

Good god it is freaking cold out! My skin is getting so dry and i can't find ANY LOTION in my flipping house! UGH!

Ok, it's in fact fictional crush time!!!!! HOORAY!

This is Lafayette from 'Trueblood' and he makes me giggle alot. I realize that this character is gay, and that duh he'll never care about me like I care about him. Lolz. I really just like him because he makes me giggle a lot. For instance, the guy says Fuck and always makes it sound urgent like he is super upset even though it's like his favorite word and most people nowadays dont put enough 'oomph' into it lolz.

Well, hey I love you ALLLLLLL!

Home Alone

So, it was Richard and Mom's three year anniversary so she took him to Stillwater, MN for the weekend, but she needed somebody to watch the dogs, so she said I could stay at the house alone all weekend! :D only at night it gets kind of scary, but whatevs thats cool. Last night sean slept over (it was perfect, being in his arms all night) and then tonight it's just me. I really hope I'll be OK!!!! But I think I will...

Tonight I RP'ed at Jake's house, and it was pretty damn fun I'm not gonna lie. I enjoyed it immensly. We're doing a Star Wars one currently, just to get a break from vampires. Although the next one will be vamps, but that's not important right now lolz.

Well, I'm super tired folks, and I's gots work in da morning! So, g'night!

YA BITCH YA

I woke and dreamt I was dying of thirst

My drink is life

Vivid, terrible, sunshiney life

Breaking your heart with its beauty

Each star shines with it

Some faraway bliss

You cannot quite grasp

Little more then fantasy is the world

How you see

Perceive

Do you perceive? Myself? The world?

Each tilt of the Earth can land us on our heads

Stay afloat, tread water,

Stare at the stars...

Poems keep bubbling out of me like that...I don't know if they're even any good but I enjoy writing them at least...they give me peace where I usually find exhaustion. At that part of my brain that I don't completely understand, and I don't ever want to! The mystery is mystical...

So, today Arbogast snapped at me in front of everyone in the little theatre during critiques. Wow. I got SO PISSED and then I realized that Hey Guess What? Arbies isn't the same person she was when I first decided I loved her...really, she's become a different person. And I miss the fun one that I could trust with my problems...idk...she seems to be more power hungry and full of shit. I blame her boyfriend. You guys know who I blog of...yeah. He's changed her. And I'm sick of D, hagg, and arbies fighting all the fucking time. You know what? You guys are adults!!!! Get the fuck over it. Seriously! LEARN TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS! Ugh...really???!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?! I'm seventeen and I solved a fight with Merecedes (also seventeen) in an hour...seriously!

I had dinner with Ziggy tonight at the diner. It was supposed to be his and Sarah's one year today, so he needed some cheering up. So, I listened to him talk about her for about two and a half hours, and talked him through some of his depression. You're a strong capable person Zig, and I know you can do it!

So yeah, then we walked around downtown for a really long time and talked about life and stuff. Zig, I dont think you'll ever be able to understand how much you help me just by talking me through my problems! Especially since you have a new perspective on just about everything...it's always fun. Lolz, and that fountain was pretty funny! You know what I speak of! :D

Lolz, well I love you AAAALLLLLLLLL

Three strikes you're out...

OH WOW. So I've had three offers to go drink tonight and all of them have been more tempting then I could ever tell you...Elias had my favorite stuff! Stupid promises...READ THIS ZIGGY?!?!? The more you don't smoke, the more I don't drink! It's a fun mutual stress inducer. Lolz, since I know you and I will be terrible to put up with without our vices to calm us down...maybe we'll have to actually learn to deal with our stress using healthy methods?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :)

So, looks like I'm sophing Natasha, John, and Sean and froshing Kenzi, Cora, and Lisa! :D Should be a fun time!!!!!!! Only I can't divulge any secrets of what we're going to do to them...tee hee.

So, for the first time in my life, I find that I CANNOT write a good story. At all. Not even a semblence of a good one. Mr. Bogart is going to hate me tomorrow because I won't have anything for him...or worse he just won't care because I mean nothing to him. And I want him to be like, 'oh damn it I wanted to hear those poetic words only Libby can produce!' Eh, whatever. No point to it anyways.

I love you all! G'night!

P.S. Hey, you're beautiful

I really love the 'oh shit!' moment this picture represents...like, can you imagine what that surfer is thinking? I read somewhere it was actually a dolphin...but when you think it's a shark it makes it just that much better!

I'm watching 'The Office' right now and I forgot how much I really loved this show lolz. I wish Jim and Pam could just be together already! Except I heard that they do actually get married in the most recent season but still!

Homecoming was pretty fun today! It was cowboy/southern belle day and I really loved it. I wore my mom's cowgirl hat and shoes plus her fringy leather jackety thing...it was actually really funny! I enjoyed it! Tomorrow will probably be the only time I wear anything resembling shorts to school because I hate them that much...well actually I hate my legs, and shorts show them! So, this is a dilemma...but I'll just hope that nobody comments on how wierdly hideous I am...???

It's fictional crush time ladies and gents!

This is Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer! He is the very first heart throb you see when you watch the television show...and if you're like me and a total freakazoid and you follow his television career, you know he now stars in 'Bones', which is really coolio...and anyways Angel is really fun because he is the only vampire with a soul in the entire show! Well, he's not but I can't spoil the storyline! I fell for Angel because he was the cutie on my favorite show, but also because he did this whole 'Oh wow I'm a vampire and I deserve to suffer' thing and it was just really cute...so yeah in this instance I fell for the emo guy! But a vampire emo, so maybe that's better?

Lolz, ok I love you guys!

Lolz, I remember this is exactly how I felt when I fell for Eric! :D Only he was a terrible republican...only one because the rest of his family was. My mom is a rebel with her Democrat views...and I am when it comes to my dad's side of things. Women should be able to chose if they have a child or not, and people should be allowed to get married, whether they're the same sex or not. Calm down kittens, it's not like homosexuals want to eat to you or anything...jeez just let em get married. It's funny, because around post-civil war times, people were flipping out about biracial couples...every generatation has it's discriminations...lets try and eliminate ours?

Hmmmm...so yesterday I went shopping with Merecedes at Plato's Closet, and bought a classy black sweater and some acid wash green skinny jeans :D So, now I'm really cool right? Lolz. Then after that I picked up Sean, and we went to Festival of Bands. It was HELLA COLD outside...but hey whatevs...he kept me pretty warm ;)

Rich was also at the Festival at Bands...I tried to take his cigarettes away from him so I could destroy them (Sound familar Zig? lolz) and he stopped me...I forgot how freaking strong that kid is. Mark my words, he's a little bit more human. I think he might be a fairy....I think Becca Mundt is a fairy too! Both Rich and Becca have this odd draw that causes people around them to just follow em! Think about it...they're fairies............lolz

Oh Ziggy, I did read your whole blog, every word. I didn't skip the Sarah parts. You should go down and see her though dude...road trip? Oh hellz yeah! :D

ANOTHER LIBBY POEM FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION:

Little more then a spark
Lit up my world
Broken, scared, cold
Till your light touched my skin
Warmth, love, oh my....
I find I should never be away from you
If I should ever wish for happiness
I love you...

Bring on the Wonder, Bring on the Song...

I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long
Bring on the wonder, we got it ALL WRONG
We pushed you down deep in our souls for too long...

I don't have the time for a drink from the cup, let's rest for a while
Till our souls catch us up....

OH wow I love this song...Just woke up and I'm in one of my infinite moods...Merecedes will know what this means ;)

SO...here's a poem of my own devices, just for you kittens....

Darkness overcomes my mind
My heart battles valiantly
Never again shall I say these words, torn from my lips
hurled at a friend's hurting heart
I apologize, my Angel
For hurting you
Never my intention
Who am I?
Where do I belong?
Am I wasting my life?
Questions aplenty, like weights underwater
sucking into the depths
I reach up to the light, begging for air
for answers
There are none.
So make your own



Yeah...

Oh what a doozy of a day...

So, today I drove to school in Brio :) Only...there's just a teensy problem...you see, Brio, though adorable, as you can plainly see in this photo, is, in fact, not at all water proof. I get dripped on ALL THE TIME! when I drive her...ugh. And my mom doesn't believe me...well hey whatever I only have to put up with that bullshit for another year. :)

I'll miss so many of you when I leave though...but that's a different blog for the future!

So, anyways after school I went to work at the KSDC, and it was first free friday, which means admission is freeeeeeeeeeeee! Except that means that my life, for those five hours, very much resembles hellish regions. Lolz. It was cool though. Made some cash and all that jazz. Got to work with Ziggy, which is always a treat. Except Paige got angry at me because Zig and I would rather talk then work. ;) that's how i always am! And then Alex proposed to me with a pipe cleaner ring and a paper cobra to put on my Egyptian headdress (the theme for tonight was Egypt). Only then Ziggy decided he could beat alex and made me a better ring, with a pom pom jewel and all that fancy stuff! Lolz...and then after work Ziggy, Sonya, and I went to the diner for milkshakes....it was a good day actually.

So, I'm starting to get pissed at people. You know, just because I talk a lot doesn't mean I'm not capable of keeping my mouth shut if it's gonna kill someone on the inside. A little trust would be nice folks. If it's a secret, I can keep it...ugh.

And as a side effect of my being gone, I wasn't there for the first two runthroughs of the Variety Show at LHS. I'm the student director, and I couldn't be there. You know what the director told me? "that's fine! I have Kiki." Ugh. Kaleigh fucking Fletcher. Everyone in tech hates her...and I feel bad that I just ditched them with her...she's such a bad christian. there's two kinds, and she's the shitty kind. UGH!

So....fictional crush time? yes, yes I do believe so! :D

Yeah, I'm guessing none of you are really suprised on this one...LOLZ. Oh wow. So, when Jack Sparrow got eaten by the Kraken in the second POTC movie, I actually went into a clinical depression. I didn't get out of bed or anything...it was terrible! It was because I adored POTC's world more then my sick, sad reality...I get lost sometimes between the real world and the fiction I read...it's really not a good thing...however at this point I was still pretty young...or young by my standards. I was a way different person before my sophmore year in High School. I call it my pre-boys self...cause Heintz and Binger changed me...yeah...if you need a refresher on my boyfriends over the years I blogged about them in one of my April posts entitled 'Not Sure Why...' It's a good one! even has pictures! Lolz.

This is Oz, from the BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER! I told you you'd hear a lot bout this show...SO Oz was an anamole for me because usually I like the lovable rogue, but here I fell for the quiet, artsy, mellow werewolf. Yeah Merecedes, he's a werewolf. And what i always loved about the show, and this is a way to tell a hardcore fan from a mediocre one, is that Oz's hair color would change almost every couple episodes. Black, blonde, red, whatevs and it was always subtle. I really loved it! lolz. Oh, and Oz is in love with Willow, and he does some really sweet stuff for her...like she's having a nightmare and he gently shakes her awake and whispers, "it's ok, come back to me." Oh wow, tis amazingly cute! :D

Well...that's all for now folks!

Libby is STRESSED THE FUCK OUT!

So. Variety show is really starting to fall apart, just when we need to be bringing it together...and who does Arbys yell at ALL THE TIME? Me. Always me. And today Erin Haan got mad at me because I barked an order at her. Fucking sorry Erin, but I need you to do your god damn job. And that involves me screaming at you now and again! Ugh...seriously. I've always admired Erin, but she needs to get off her high horse and learn to take orders as well as say them. Ugh ugh ugh!

And then there's of course the drama. So here it goes, and this really just is the long and short of it: Becca and Justin fucked up big time. Seriously. Justin. wow dude...um, Becca cheated on you and you wouldn't shut up about how much that hurt for SO LONG and then you go and cheat on Callie? Hmmmm...I smell HYPOCRISYYYYYYY!!!!!!



So...yeah. Sorry to whomever I offended, but those are the facts.



Anyways, one more fictional crush before I has to go do homework (i'll do one everyday until i run out...) and you guys will see plenty from this show, so get used to it ;)

This is Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer...before he got the nickname Spike (which was given to him because he would drive railroad spikes into the heads of his victims) he was known as William the Bloody. I like Spike though :)

Ok, so here we once again see the lovable rogue...yummy yummy yum yum...um yeah he has a leather duster that he wears from the second slayer he kills. And I have one too. So that when Spike finally realizes that he loves me, we can be in leather together! lolz jk jk

yeah, I love him because of the things he says to buffy once he falls in love with her...oh gosh i can recite the speech he gives her in the final season. It makes me cry every time...because he is so good at poetically expressing how he feels! :D I enjoy it big time!

Well, ta ta for now!

well if you want to sing out, SING OUT!

Oh gosh, it's been a good day...well except I blew up at my little sister today because she took my Renassiance Festival sweatshirt that cost me thirty five dollars, and she freaking LOST IT! And oh god, I am so pissed! Except, my mom managed to take Kenzi's phone away and now she is PISSED AS HELL! lolz its really really funny. My mom is really cool sometimes! :D

Ok, so let's see...today there wasn't any practice so Sean and I went back to my dad's house and cuddled. :) it was really nice to just be with him. And then, I went home, and I've been here for hours! Doing nothing! Lolz. I've been sitting on the couch for a really long time and I've been watching 'Bones' the entire time! It's a fantastic shooooooooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! Lol.

Um...so for kicks and giggles....I've decided to write a little about my very favorite fictional crushes...

DISCLAIMER! I do not do this to offend anyone, and my real life crush is far more important ;)

SO...Rhett Butler was my original fiction crush. Clark Gable plays him in the Movie 'Gone With the Wind' and I fell for him there, but once I read the book I knew it was eternal lolz. He and I would have fit well together, because he was all about challenging the way people thought about things, and he liked a girl who could speak her mind. Well, hey look at that. Libby can do that very well. And I would love to style his gelled back hair. Just saying, it'd be fun to play with. Though sex hair wouldn't be very easy to hide. Oh, and Rhett just has a bad ass name...seriously. Elizabeth Butler. Check that out bitches! :D



Erik Northman...oh gosh he's my viking from trueblood. Seriously, he's a viking. He got turned when he was a Viking, so he is eternally my very favorite viking. :) I really liked him because he calls Sookie love, and like Rhett Butler, he is the lovable scoundrel and he tricks girls into falling in love with him. Which I think would just be a fun game to play. Libby would, without a doubt win. And Erik is a vampire, and that really is always nice to me. I think only because they would be able to tell you SO MUCH about life and human nature and the world.


I'll put more down later...

Well Helloooooo there! :D

Oh gosh...so this weekend has been pretty crazy! Firstly, I've spent almost twenty four hours straight with Tasha! YA BATCH YA! lolz....

Yeah, so Rich seems to be growin up. For one thing, he actually called me this morning and had a little chit chat with me, which he's never done before. Idk, I think college is shaping him into an amazing man. I hope he can find himself...same goes to Justin, who, as it turns out is leaving today too. I know there's no way at all that he'll read this, but I want him to go to Oregon, and look for himself. And hopefully he'll find that he NEEDS HELP! But don't ever come back Justin. Like in the Lion King. I'm Scar bitch. Leave my fukkin pride lands! :D

Um...lets see...OH! I went to "The Hangover" with Ziggy last night! Oh gosh so I cackle and he has this really deep chuckle and combined they're like the most annoying thing ever and so basically us going to a really good comedy is not a good combo for anyone around us. But, hey, it's all gooooooood! Lolz. The Hangover was really good. I loved it! And then afterward zig and I got BK and sat in the back of his truck and ate it while we talked. It's funny, because we're polar opposites in SO MANY things, but not in the way we think. Or the way we see the world, politics excluded. Idk. It was a good time Zig! I enjoyed it! :D

Alright, I think that's it! I love you all.

Libby's Real Sleepy

So, last night Sean slept over at my dad's house because his mom took and sold most of his xbox games...which means that she's a douche bag extraordinare...wow what a bitch. i can't stand that stupid bitch! Seriously, some people shouldn't be allowed to have children. There should be a test they gotta pass first or something...

So, yeah there's been some terrible stuff going on...Becca caused this huge rip between Justin and Callie and now they're broken up. And seeing as today is, in fact, Saturday, I'm willing to bet that Justin is on his way to Oregon by now. Well, good riddens. the boy never caused anything but harm to any girl I met. Sure, he was funny, but it bordered on ridiculous, and what he did to callie is unforgivable. So fuck him. Go rot in Oregon Justin Williamson. I'll take care of the problems you caused here you coward.

In a way, it feels like when Elias left. I have all this anger and nobody to yell at...ugh. And I don't really blame Becca that much. I mean, yeah the girl keeps making shitty sexual decisions, and she did fuck with Merecedes one too many times for me to ever really like her again, but I understand that she was still in love with Justin. So most of the anger here is in Mr. Williamson's direction...

Ziggy and I had dinner at the diner Thursday night. that was pleasant! I really like hanging with Ziggy, since there's no pressure to help him with anything. I don't need to save him, or make him feel better about anything...hell if anything he's the one who saves me. It's nice though. Zig and I don't even have any chemistry, which makes things even better! :D

oh, and I really loved your last post Zig!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you too Sean, and I miss you darling!

Tasha, this postcard reminded me of you...not cause youre gay...but I'm sure you'll get it.

Isabelle, what can i do? The last thing I need is to end up askew...

The prophets make it difficult...

Sorry, those are some lyrics from a really great song Merecedes gifted me with! :D

So...in creative writing we have to write a page about what we want our one page in the book of the universe to be...and here's mine...cause I really like it...

Libby’s eyes were remarkable. Very few humans could match that shade. They were so dark they almost could be called black. More importantly, their deep, fathomless pools had seen too much sorrow, cried too many tears, and seen too many wrongs in the world. Her mouth, the lower lip plumper then the top one had experienced enough frowns to know that every smile was a gift, something to be cherished. This girl was not really beautiful by any standards. She should have been, as she had clear skin pretty eyes, decent hair, a nice smile, and yet somehow these features had arranged themselves into a way in which she was, in fact, quite average looking.
She rarely ever entered a room without searching out someone to talk to, as that was her favorite activity, followed closely by writing. And in her search, Libby rarely had a situation where she didn’t know someone, at least as an acquaintance. There wasn’t really anything amazing about her that grabbed people’s attention except her never-ending capacity for conversation, no matter the topic. And yet she could listen, as so many extroverts rarely can. Libby could listen, and keep secrets without ever thinking twice about the effort.
She loved. Unconditionally and without restraint. It was Libby’s personal philosophy in life that mankind was capable of many terrible things, including hatred of its own species. She also believed that humans were more capable of love then anything else on the planet. Love was man’s redeeming quality. Love was the meaning and sole purpose of life. To love and be loved and to change people’s lives and brighten them with love.

Let me know what you think!

So Ziggy did this thing on his blog where he explained where he had been in his life, and cited this as the reason he was who he was...and I think I'll do that too!

So, In middle school I was pretty much an outcast. I had friends, but not anyone who was really very close to me. I was...odd too. I had too much of a taste for the darkness than anyone else I knew. And so i turned to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know some of you are laughing right now, but this is why I never laugh at manga nerds or anything. Because I understand the NEED to escape to a world that accepts you. To a world you can understand. I was obsessed with Buffy all year, and it was all i could talk about, until I lost most of my friends...

Anyways, I was pretty much alone. All the time. I believe this is what shaped my ability to be on my own without being unhappy. In fact, I enjoy it. The quiet is nice. But mostly, in these times, I would sit in my room, blasting music and contimplating how to end my life bloodily...Avril Lavigne. Read her lyrics...idk I know nobody likes her anymore blah blah blah but if you get the chance read her lyrics 'Forgotten' that was my favorite song. Listen to it. You'll understand angry Libby more...ANYWAY these times toughened me up. I learned the importance of friends helping you up when taylor trimble came into my life. My first suicidal friend! He was just like me...different. I loved him immediately. As a friend btw.

It taught me that you need to save people for them to live. Everyone falls, everyone needs a hand. I also learned to be tougher. Life fucking kicks you in the ribs every chance it gets. It's just a matter of getting the fuck over it and moving on. Idk...I think I'm rambling...hope I helped though...

I love you all...you've all changed my life...

L lllllllll libby???!?!?!?!? ITS ME!

OK SO LETS START WITH YESTERDAY!?

Oh gosh you guys yesterday was really great...Sean was with me almost all day...and my mom had given me her car so we could go everywhere...we went to the Outdoor Campus which was really great...basically we cuddled in a meadow and I read his tarot cards and then I read some Emily Dickinson to him. I know it sounds really cheesy, but it was sunny and perfect temperature and I was with Sean, which only made it better...oh gosh...I was so happy to be there, just cuddling.

Then we went to see Merecedes, who is utterly adorable...I love you Cedes!

AND THEN...we went back to my house and my mommy made us grilled cheese, which rocks really hardcore. She really likes him. Lolz.

then we went to '9' with Jake and Erin, Dan and Kirstin, and Justin and Callie. I didn't really care for the movie a ton. Dan said it seemed like it shoulda been a short story and I agree. There just wasn't enough substance there for them to make a full length film. And then we went to jake's and watched a little of jurassic park, which was fucking hilarious with Justin narrating. But what isn't funny with Justin narrating? Lolz.

Tomorrow is me and Sean's three month...I love him so much you guys. I could easily spend the rest of my life with him, and not have a problem...he is so great. Plus he loves me too...I don't know what I did to deserve that. Lolz. I love you Seany boy...

Lovely!!!!!!!!

Oh gosh so last night I went with Sean to Hy Vee. I'd forgotten how easy it is to be alone with him when we're just hanging out in public...it's so nice...it feels like back before we were dating and stuff. Which, I mean I'm so grateful that we're dating, because I adore the kid, but sometimes I get scared that we aren't as close of friends as we used to be...idk. It's probably just the odd rantings of libby.

But ANYWAYS...I got 'Adventureland' and 'Good Dick' and so far Adventureland was really funny. Not so much into Good Dick...it seems too odd. Everything that the two people in it do is cross all the boundaries of normal social interaction, and not always in the good ways. The only thing that is cute is when the girl wakes up, the guy has tied a string around her ankle and it leads all around her house until its tied a pillow that says 'thank you' because she let him sleep on her couch because he's homeless and lives in his car. Lolz it's really cute actually but she is like a total bitch. Fucking hardcore bitch.

This postcard is up here because...eh I've said it before...I keep making the romantics mistake of trusting boys who are pretty because it's just a mistake I make. And it fucks me up. Whoopee.

Have you Ever Wondered....?

Have you ever stopped to ponder what the people you know would be like if you'd never existed? If you'd never touched their lives, or known their names, or given parts of your heart to them...? What would people be like if I had never existed...?

Well I guess they're the only ones who can tell me that...? You guys! Write something either on a comment here or own your own blogs. What would it be like without me...? And it's ok if you think you'd be fine. Lolz. You'd never know what you missed I guess right..?

I'll write to each one of you about where I think I'd be without you:

Merecedes Ariel Nelson: Oh darling...without you I don't think I would make it through so many things in my life. You NEVER judge me, and I cannot ever express to you how very precious that is to me. You never get upset at me, and if you do you always accept an apology without drama. Your artist's heart never fails to amaze me. You see the world so differently, yet we agree on so much. It's uncanny really. I thank higher powers every day that they delivered to me such a beautiful, gifted, loving girl to me. Because, without you, I really don't think I'd have as much faith in love! :D

Natasha...Bubbles: I know we haven't been friends as long as Me and Merecedes have, but I feel like I've known you for a long time. I often forget you're not really my little sister. You never get mad at me, and you've shown me boundless kindness. Your accepting, loving soul makes me feel so loved and cherished that without you I doubt I would have much self confidence left. You give me someone to take care of, and as weird as that sounds, I love it.

Oh...Ziggy Zig Zig: Thought I'd forget you carrot top? Hella no! LOLZ! Oh Zig I don't think I'd love my job half as much as I do if you weren't there. Before I had Sean in my life you always made me feel like there was at least one guy who thought I was flirtable and didn't always wanna get in my pants. And that meant/means a lot. We dont always agree on politics, but without you I think I would have a limited view of Republicans and it wouldn't be fair. And, we've had some good times that I wouldn't be the same without.

Seany Boy: And you my darling, my love, my light, I saved for very last. Because I just know this one'll make me cry...not because I'm sad, but because I am so grateful. We have our fights, heck who doesnt? But in the end...you healed me beyond what I ever thought I could be again. You kissed my forehead and told me I was beautiful, and for the first time ever, I believed someone when they said it. Because your eyes were filled to the brim with the same love that floods my heart for you. Without you Sean...things for me would have ended a long time ago. Maybe not suicide, but after Addison I was on the brink of dying internally. You saved me. Pulled me back from a sharp pain into your arms where nothing ever hurt. Still doesn't :) I guess what I'm trying to say here darling is that I simply adore you. Without you, I wouldn't believe in love.

Cherish. Love. Expand. LIVE!