I GOTTA FEELING!

I had a dream, that I finally held you until the shaking awayed
that I smoothed back the spun gold of your hair
looked you in the eyes, and told you everything
That I loved you
That you were freedom
the summer of my life, sunshine blessings colored with sweet kisses
my heart is yours, that I wasn't alive until your arms encircled me
and your lips whispered in my ear
that everything was going to be ok
nothing would ever hurt me again
this and more I dreamed
you were mine
and then I awoke to find that my dream had come true
my true, in the flesh angel
come to wash away the pain
keep the world at bay
I love you.

Well...i'd say it's pretty obvious who that's for...tee hee! :D

I just felt a poem swarm up in me and felt like it needed to see the world! I always feel more creative after I leave Merecedes' company! I think she's so wonderful something leaks from her aura and gifts the world with it's light! :D

Um...so everybodys been really upset lately! Myself included! And...I think it's time we all cheer up! Life is a gift people, lets savor it together! Because time is short, kittens, love while you can.

merecedes: Darling, Im so sorry you hate babysitting! At least you know those kids have someone who loves them. And you have an amazing relationship with them. Learn to drive, and you'll be freeeeeeee!!!

Natasha: I know you're mad at Ginny, but do you remember how bad you felt before when you were mad at her for so long? I don't see why you can't have Isabele and Ginny at once. They seem to push the other one out of your life anytime they can. Coincidence? Don't think so....

Seany boy: I'll figure out something to get you the fuck outta that house darling. I'm here, and if you can't do something I will.

Rich: Oh dear, what can I say? I love you? I don't think you'll know or care, but I wish you'd be happy without being self destructive. Remember my letter. If you even have it anymore.

If each one of us is reaching for happiness, why is it we want to prevent others from getting it? there's enough to go around darlings!

qwerty

lolz this postsecret reminds me of Sean a lot...he loves the swings. We played on them a lot last summer before we started dating. They're kind of special to me. Except whitlock kissed him on a swing...which complicates things considerably...

I finally put up the Johnny Depp poster that Tasha gave me for my birthday! :D it's a gorgeous one that shows most of his tatoos...oh gosh and I put it on the ceiling above my bed so every morning when I wake up Ill see his cuuuuuuute self.....

Ugh I'm super worried that I won't be able to act well enough to be in dog days! I'm the most inexperienced when it comes to acting except for Robyn, and she keeps doing better then me anyway! My main problem is that I don't play a hooker onstage very well...which in any other occasion would make me a happy panda, but it doesn't here because I'm fucked! aaaaaaaaaa

I'm coming down, bring me up, take it off, lets just touch...

SOOOOOOOOO today I'm going to Augie for a fun lil meeting about spending my next summer in Australia mate! (oh yeah, i got the vernacular down already lolz)

So, my classes are pretty good. I start my day with Creative Writing...which is so great. I just write! I mean he gives us a prompt and whatever, but other then that, there's no holding back, just writing. So far I've written three good paragraphs in his class, even if they don't really pertain to any bigger stories I'm writing. It's just pleasant...I think I'm going to drop sociology next semester and take journalism 2 with him (mr. bogart) b/c he's pretty BA and totally awkward. He trips over shit like everyday and tries to play it off like nothing happened. Makes Libby giggle. :)

Then I have AP bio...oh shit is my only comment...that and my voice in my head 'what. the. hell.'

Lolz, then Theatre I! With Sean :D its so great to see him! Plus that class is hella easy so far. We got a quiz on shit like, 'what is a batton?' well shit i must have known that since sophmore year at least lolz

Lunch.

Psychology with Morgan and Emily...i might hang myself in that class...even though I kinda like it

Data Analysis with annie walker! good times...

AP Literature and Composition. I loved the book we had to read over the summer so it was a good time.

um....orange.

So....

Ugh so if anyone's read Tasha's blog lately, yeah I did have a shitty day yesterday...it was because I couldn't get words out of my head that haven't been there for a while. Ugh I choke on them like bad fumes they cloud my head and make me suffer. I think they'll cause cancer too...bad joke i guess...

Last night I had a really bad flashback dream where Addison dumped me again. And so when I woke up sobbing (not just crying, i thought I was going to rip in half from the pain, it really felt like it had that day) I found the old breakup note, read it again. And again...like the words are tatooed inside my eyelids....ugh...watch, I can recite them still....

Look I know you told me you were needy, but now i really think you should get some help with that. I wanna hang out with other people. And not just during school, but on the weekends too. You really need to give me a reason to stay...because honestly I haven't been happy for the past three or four weeks...

dear god. I'm crying again...please make it stop. I love Sean. I love him so much. I think that's why I'm so scared. I think the dream was my subconcious saying 'HEY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME????!?!?!??!' I know Sean and Addison are different...but I'm just so scared. The pain still hasn't left me...it scares me so much.

God help me, I think I'm losing my mind...
School helps...except when Addison is around...lolz then it's only fresh again. I'm going to get over this. I'm a strong little girl. Sleep deprevation probably isn't helping...i'm going to sleep. I hope things'll be better tomorrow...


Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about
A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?

I wanna tell you how much I love you...

SO...today was the first day of school! It was actually pretty...eh would be the word. I didn't feel anything but dread, and that was when I was in AP bio and found out he expects us to spend 1-2 HOURS on his homework every night, which I guess pretty much is whats to be expected...i mean it is a college class.

Other then that theres not much to update...I think once I leave LHS I'll be fine with that. I feel like that I've grown out of high school...I'm ready for new adventures...and I hope college will give way to that for me.

I'll miss so many of you though. You all own a piece of my heart forever. :)

I picked this postcard because I relate to it...I mean I love sean, and I'm so grateful, but before him I would look at a hot guy and watch them look right past me to my sister or my friends and I'd always shrug and say, 'hey i'm fat, guess it's what happens.' I still believe that. But hey, it's not a problem. I've kinda excepted that about me.

Tasha, I know today was hard. But honey, you've gotta learn to stop showing how angry you are...I'm worried you're letting it take over your heart. That might burn away your soul...

I has a twitter!

http://twitter.com/sparrow278

tats me twitter if anybody's interested!

so...I had a birthday party!! there was 15 fucking people at my house! CRAAAAZY SHIT! And it was tons o fun.

My ex heintz not only utterly blocked me on facebook (i'm sorry, how old are we?) but also got a girl pregnant, and then married her. While on his mission. Wat. the. fuck. So I wasn't like wanting him back or anything, but I was looking forward 2 talking to him again. I mean I knew him uber well b4 he went on his mission so I was interested 2 see how much it would change him...only now he's gonna stay in Kentucky. It's weird knowing that someone I was once so close to will never again speak to me. It's kind of a loss...my heart is hurting a little not gonna lie...

I love Sean...I was at his house yesterday and i was falling asleep in his arms, and he kissed each cheek, and just kept going until he had kissed every part of my face. It might sound odd, but i felt so cherished then it was...aaaaa perfect? Extraordinary? I dont know the word.

and cassie pulled the trigger...

It's weird that someone else shares my secret on postsecret. I'm not suicidal or anything, that's just how I think I'll end someday...by my own hand. Kinda fits my personality if you think about it. That way things will be my choice.

Anyhoozle, on a completely different note: SOOOOOO Sean and I seem to be fighting more then usual, all because of Ziggy...apparently I flirt with Ziggy and Elias a lot. Which, honestly, I do sometimes, but it's always just for fun. It's nice to know every once in a while how cute I am. Goodness gracious I'm sorry it upsets Sean so much...I would never act on my flirtations. I wish he'd know that. I trust him. I want the same in return. But maybe I'll blowing this all outta proportion. That wouldn't suprise me. I tend to do this...

So...I've been hanging with Rich & Ziggy lots. And Rich's friend Caleb. Who drives me nuts and kinda annoys me but hey, what are you gonna do?

Anyhoozle, I love you all!

Forgiveness

So I was @ church today, and I had a notebook in my lap, as is my custom when forced to attend church against my will. I was looking at the giant projection screen and there was this rather abstract drawing, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what I was seeing in it. This was probably because I was a bit distraught.

Sean hung out with Addison last night, and I found this bugged me more then I thought possible...mostly because the fact that Addison was and is still so utterly happy when he broke my heart really pisses me off. I'm happy now, I am, but the unfairness of the universe is still a very big issue...it certainly irks me.

So I was writing this poem, because that's what I do a lot when I am overcome with uncontrollable emotion. I won't repeat the poem, because I doubt anyone here would care...but basically once I got done with the peom, I looked up at the projector again and I saw what I'm certain was there all along, I just didn't see. It was the virgin mary...and the sermon was bout being kind to others. I think this is some higher power's form of telling me that I need to forgive him...it's very difficult though....

idk...just some thoughts

Oh Tasha...

Darling, you never have to apologize to me for being in pain. If I wasn't able to handle my pain, plus everyone else's, I don't think I would myself...it's my talent in life to help people when they need it.

You meant so much to him Natasha. You were his universe for one brief moment there. Which is more then a lot of girls ever got with him. And I know you probably wish it would have never happened. But it did, and nothing will change that. It's terrible. But it's beautiful too. You were capable of breaking through his shell, even if it was brief. He cared about you. The only reason he talks about Zoey so often is because she left him decimated, and you aren't enough of a bitch to do that. You left, with some semblance of yourself intact. Whearas Zoey and Rich left that relationship with only bitter hearts and broken hopes.

I know it's not fair that they move on and leave us with broken hearts, and it feels like we've been in a car accident, and the paramedics came and took them away while we lay and bled on the street. Our lives sapping away...

But it doesn't have to be that way. You can fight back. You can do other things. Marching band was a great idea. Start writing peotry, stories, sonnets anything. Get involved in something new and exciting. Learn more about the wonderful person you are...and eventually instead of saying, 'what does it matter who i am, he left me anyway' you'll start saying, 'what an asshole for not seeing what was right in front of him.'

You are beautiful and smart, and so fantastically sensitive to the world around you. I have great faith in you that you'll someday change the world. God knows you've changed mine...

and stop looking for a new guy. one will fall right into your lap when you stop looking and start focusing on yourself. Believe me, I know. ;)

I love you.

You need to dole out your crazy in little pieces, not all at once!

So, there's not a whole hell of a lot happening right now. I work...a lot. There's lots of stuff happening at the Washington Pavillion right now, which is great, and it keeps me busy, but I miss my friends.

I got a letter today that said that for this next summer, I could go to Australia with People to People...and I'm not sure if i'd do that or not. I think I'll regret it if I don't. But there's this informational meeting thing on the 22nd so I figure i'll find out right?

anyways I love you all, write more later!