Well today started out alright.

Woke up, went to work. At work I learned how to make snowflakes and the time flew by. No big stressers except figuring out that I might not be able to audition for Capers. Which would be just fucking perfect considering I've been looking forward to it since this time last year.

And then I come home and have Thanksgiving with my dad. Went pretty well. Realized he's become so foreign to me since his marriage that I'm not sure I can even guess what he'll say about anything. I almost wanted him to yell at me because at least then I could believe he was the same.

Then I got home. And when I asked mom to communicate with dad better about when MacKenzie's social events are, she freaks the fuck out and tells me that I 'Don't need to tell her how to be a mother' Um...I don' think that's what I was saying at all mom.

Also, I'm starting to think that wanting to spend time with Kenzie is futile. Even when we sit down to watch movies or do shit together she usually goes to sleep pretty quick. Idk, I think I'm even losing that connection with her.

I don't want to live here this summer. I want an apartment where I can do whatever the fuck I want without anyone fighting with me or screwing with my life. But that will never happen. Because as usual all the things I want come back to a question of money. Which i don't have.

I'm looking for apartments though. Even though I'm pretty sure it's an awful idea. Maybe it'll be fun.

Oh boy oh boy

So I was thinking...and last year around this time was so different!

I was recovering from the worst breakup I'd ever had. I was dealing with watching another girl move in on the guy I thought I loved. And to run away from that pain Ziggy and I were kind of an item. OH my gosh I can't even believe how much that's changed! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH lol

Now I'm in the best relationship of my life. The girl that I hated last year is my sister's best friend. And I see Ziggy maybe once every couple months. And he's dating Sonya :)

Now for the traditional what I'm thankful for list:

1. My family! I'm so excited to see them today!
2. Gregory Royce Jensen :)
3. My sister who has the oddest way of always being able to tell what I'm thinking
4. FOOOOOOD. Delicious food
5. Sleep. Oh gosh I love deep uninterrupted sleep
6. The internet
7. Theater kids!
8. The Women's Coalition
9. Hedgehogs!
10. My sanity

Watchin' Degrassi!

made it home! it's only super icy out where I live. the interstate wasn't horrible! but I only went 55 MPH the whole way so that's probably why!

I'm sitting with Kenzie watching Degrassi. Fun shows and good company. whoooooooooo

So...sleepy

The thing that I'm looking forward to the most about going home is being able to sleep in without worrying about anything. About classes or appointments or anything. Just sleeping...oh man yeah that'll be nice.

And eating actual food will be a good time too. Plus, even though having a pet is fun in my room...he's kinda boring. And he hates me!

Dogs are better...

White Christmas! :o

I'm doing followspot for White Christmas! It's a cute little musical! :o

Come see it if you can! call 6886045 for tickets!

A list of things this world owes me...

So Isabel's blog kind of inspired me to write some things that I think I'm owed, but nobody's payed up yet...

1. My money back for this year of wasted education
2. A director's choice award from the man I slaved over everything for for four years
3. An award from the one act judges
4. My wasted time from countless relationships that did nothing but fuck me over for the next ones
5. Good food at SDSU since I'm paying ridiculous prices for jack shit
6. A better place to live
7. A thinner body
8. The ability to lose weight
9. My health back
10. My family back
11. My sister's car back
12. My childhood
13. My dad being single again so he actually gets of the fucking phone when I come home to visit

Hmmmm I think that might be it?

On a happier note, I got to go home last night. I saw fresh faces, which was really cute! And I got to see my family. Kenzie crashed her car :( and sprained her ankle. Now she needs this little boot thing to help straighten out her muscles or whatever. So if anyone would be willing to maybe lend my sister your foot, that'd be grand :)

DeRoos seems to be getting crankier and crankier every time I go back to see him. He's all snappy and he never really smiles unless he's making fun of someone. Or...maybe he's always been like that? And I just didn't notice? Idk...like Garrett had to leave for a voice lesson and D wouldn't let him. So I sat there and played mediator between them because D won't listen unless I'm telling him things. UGH!

I'm going to USD next year! And I'm not sure about living arrangements yet. Erin really wants to live in these really nice apartments but I'm all conflicted because I don't think I can afford them even though I really want to. My other option though would be moving in with Greg, which I know my mom would flip out about, and there are really no nice apartments anywhere near campus.

But maybe it's a rite of passage to live in a shitty apartment your first time living with someone? Also, statistics show that living with someone can double your chances of breaking up :/ and people who are married who lived together first get divorced twice as often as couples who don't. So the numbers are kind of stacked against me on that front.

But what if Greg goes to USD and his roommate is awful? Then I'd feel like it was all my fault that he's got a shitty living situation! D: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

These are problems for tomorrow!

...and I'm hiding a hedgehog in my dorm until Thanksgiving...

Growing Up?

I can feel myself growing up. And I can find all the cons about it, but nothing positive. I lost my home, and my family, and the confident person I used to be. I'm struggling to find what the good part is.

I guess it's that I can reinvent myself? A chance to design what kind of adult I can become? So far, I think I'm a politically educated, funny woman trying to be confident and trust in myself.

But I miss it. I feel like the pathetic adult who can't let her high school success go. Because she feels like her life there was better than her one now.

Ugh. I just have to hold on to the idea that in 4 years, I'll have a degree. Maybe one I can make some money with...and then I can get an apartment in Minneapolis with the people I love. And help the world as best I can.

I can do this...

Back home :)

I think I've gained back all the weight I lost lol. I made cupcakes here at home...and that was my UNDOING! :O

I'm getting my haircut on Friday :)
http://www.bestcelebrityhairstyles.com/tag/cameron-diaz-hairstyles/
check out the hairstyle on the top row in the middle! Where she has that sexy red lipstick on :)

I think it'll look real cute :) I need a change. I'm trying to grow some self esteem! I want to feel sexy and in control :)

I have to admit it's getting better...

I'm doing pretty well today. Woke up early to go take a test and then the teacher was like 'I didn't print enough, so you can all go hooooooooooooome!' Oh...ok lol. Well I feel like I wasn't really ready for the test anyway so I'm going to go ahead and see this as a blessing.

I start doing tech for White Christmas pretty soon...kind of excited for that.

I'm busting out Algebra left and right mo fos! I am going to pass that class...i'm going to i'm going to i'm going to.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllll...ta ta fir now folks!

I get to go home!

I'm really excited for this Wednesday. After my classes I get to just go home until Saturday :) I work at one on Saturday, so I don't even have to leave until 11-ish. WHOOOOO!

I miss my family and I miss just hanging out at home. I miss Rufus and Mom. But most of all I need Kenzie. I really miss hanging out with her, and she lost her silly cell phone so I can't even text her now.

Algebra is trying to slay me. I'm fighting back though. I must pass this fucking class! GAH!

I guess I'm better?

Pretty sure I'm going to USD next year.

Algebra sucks

I'm coming undone...

I just punched myself in the jaw...because I went online and figured out how many calories I consumed last night.

Maybe I'm going crazy. I know I'm not supposed to post things like this online but nobody reads this thing anyway.

I hate my body. Hate it. I hate how fat and awkward I am. How I can't fit into any of the clothes I like.

Yeah...maybe i'm going nuts.

I will...

I will lose weight. I will try to burn more every day than I consume.

I will try to stop hating myself for not looking like my roommate, who doesn't even realize how lucky she is.

God...I will try to believe that something higher than me set me to this task for a reason? Or maybe not. I guess I don't know...