STILL F****** SICK!!!

I am so very sick of this! I have a cold that makes my throat and lungs ache like hell, then now I wake up and my eyes are glued shut b/c of some ickyness. This is terrible! The cold makes everything from the neck down hurt, and now anything from my neck up is hurt by this pink eye. :(

And now, our lovely Addison segment...I let him backstage...and now I'm just miserable because I purposefully seek him out. SO NOW I NEED A FAVOR...friends of mine...stop me from being around him...i mean sometimes there won't be anywhere else to go but I need helps. I keep holding onto the idea that he'll love me back sometime. And that's not going to happen...right?

The only person who talks to me about this is Whitlock, and she's so mean I disregard it...I need to hear 'libby i love you but.....' idk insert anti-addison remark here...

its the 25th....

Oh dear...it would seem that if me and Addison were still together then today would be our four month! :/ yikesh

I think my main issue currently with this breakup is that I don't really have anything that distracts me from thinking about him. When we were dating I was always thinking about him and now my brain is tripping b/c it's not sure where it feels like thinking bout. However I did have some good times today....

I went out to eat w/ merecedes and Rich and I had, like, fifteen full minutes where I didn't think about him and I wasn't sad! That makes me real happy. Those two are real cute, even if Merc did spill Coke all over Rich's car causing him to flip out major and almost crash the damn thing...yeah that was slightly less cute...BUT ANYWAY...lol

Yeah I think Merecedes and I are gonna become Bffs pretty soon ish here. We're pretty much love. All over. And no vomit. lol.

And Rich knows where I'm coming from with all this emotional shit b/c he's been through it too. It's always nice to have someone who's been through wat you're going through.

LOVE EVERYWHERE

Again with the sickness

Yeah two posts in one day...now I'm just hyperactive. But I just watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and I really liked it. Only it reminded me of Addison and I to the point of collapse. I'm losing it ladies and gents. Welcome to hell. Because tomorrow I'll see him and talk to him and I won't be able to tell him that I still love him, even if he doesn't want me. Because those are the rules of the game. Rules that when broken result in someone like Sarah S, who broke the rules with Rich, and now nobody lets her talk to him. I hate society, I hate my feelings, and most of all, I hate that I can't chose who I love.

Home Sick...

A strange type of disease has decided to assault my sinuses, so it looks like I'm going to the doctor real soon here. BUT FIRST...an update on my Addison situation, which sucks...

OK so I'm talking to him again. Two nights ago there was like, an hour long phone convo, then last night we talked online for half an hour. And the suprising part is, none of it is flirtation! I mean I thought we might lapse back into that, you know? But it's becoming pretty damn clear that he doesn't want me anymore, and I'm working on not wanting him. Just friends. That's a really wierd statement to me.

That's what so many couples say when they split up. It's always like, 'lets stay friends!'. Why do we do that? Is it because we've become so dependent on that person that our lives without them would be terribly lonely? Is it because we secretely harbor the desire to have them back as more then friends, and keeping them around is the easiest way to acheive that goal? I guess in some cases, like in the case of my good friends Merecedes n' Sean, they were friends to begin with, so they can easily slip back into that mode...

I have a lot of people who tell me that since I'm not on speaking terms with any of my exs (besides taylor) that I was never really that close to them to begin with. But I disagree. I think that the closer you become in the relationship, the harder it is to see that person afterwards. OR maybe it's simply physical. The farther you get with someone on the physical side of things, the less you can have them as just your friend b/c the memory of how they touched you and made you feel is too vivid...

Or there's always the thought that maybe two people who split up have too many mutual friends for them to never see each other at social gatherings anymore, which is about accurate with me and Addison...arg...complicaitons everywhere!

Thoughts? I would love some input here...honestly....

A Response

I agree with the latest post from 'Slip into My Barrier'. As usual he's pretty much pegged down with words feelings that the rest of us can't even begin to describe even with emotions...

Love and hate are related, and I think it's because they are the two most prevalent emotions that are close to us. Humans are easily devoured by either of them, and the come from the same spot.

As for the Venn Diagram theory, in this I agree...and the main thing that ties the two together, or is 'in the middle' of the diagram, it's name is passion. We love passionately and we hate passionately. And passion is born of the heart. So does this mean hate comes from the heart? Well, tag Slip Into My Barrier. Answer me that.

Still fighting...

OK...so I trust myself a little now...I'm going to post the note...if only to show the very few people who read this just what I'm going through. And before you read this you should know that
1. I called his mom a bitch because she wouldn't let him be social in anyway
2. We'd had a fight because he'd rather talk to his other friends then me
3. I cared about him alot. Ouch.
4. He moved onto another girl right away.

I feel like I'm standing on top of a cliff ready to dive off when I read this...here we go...

Libby-

I love you! I don't know how many times I have to say it to you but I get your note. And yes my mom can get out of hand sometimes but she's not a phyco bitch I've come to find. She wants me to go to a good college. Not a great one. A good one. Cuz I know that probably I can't comprehend a thing like that. She knows that I want to do something big in music and my dad's gotten me to the music part for sure my mom is helping me get to the big part. So I now understnad that she does this shit that pisses me off and my friends and girlfriend off because quite honestly she cares about me and she wants me to do good with my life and I'm learning how to do that. Slowly yes but I am none the less. Now I may be grounded and it may piss you off but quite frankly there's nothing I can do about it. I'm getting my grades up which is all I can do.

Now I don't understand how you can't understand that. Sometimes I won't be able to see you. Sometimes I want to hang out with someone else. I'm not just talking about school. I"m talking about all the time. It's too much I want to hang out with the guys during lunch because quite frankly it's awkward. Everyone in the drama dept besides you, bridget, justin, erin, jake, trimble, merecedes, and KC all either A) pshycho analyze me and my relationship with you B) Stalk me C) Don't talk to me at all and make me feel awkward D) Have no sense of humor. I just don't get it

YOu need to settle down about those voicemails because at some period of time guys lose shit to talk about. THat's the point when one goes "Hey! Maybe we shouldn't talk as much as we do!" It's not spoken but it just happens till your dwindled down to the raw relationship=talk about day+love+clever quips+familiar interests+sex+death. You just don't seem to understand that A) sometimes I just don't want to talk to you B) I'm not a bottomless pit of fun/interesting shit. I'm just not.

Anyways I just don't know what to tell you kuz this isn't working out. You need to just settle down about everything. You need to tell me a reason to stay together. Kuz right now and for the last two weeks I've been unhappy. I need to live MY own life and I want to help people but i don't want to be their center. I'm not waiting up for much. We need to come up with an agreement.

Love,
Addy

P.S. I'll always love you like a sister



The end.

I got that on a day that I had to do five shows in a row. And people wonder why I'm sad so often now.

Fighting to Be Happy

So I'm not going to post the note he gave me. I'd rather not read it again until I'm really over him. Which I'm not. But he seems to be fine. He's got another girl now. Someone that nobody has ever heard of, but who've I've come to think of as 'long blonde hair girl' because that's her only discernable feature according to most of our friends...even Sean thinks she's mind numbinlly annoying. Which is nice to hear. Sort of. On one hand, she's not fun, so hey, he's not as happy with her right? But on the other hand, why is he with some loser when he had me? I don't understand...

I have many different ways of looking at my immense amount of hurt feelings. God freakin A! Bridget says she's just a rebound, and that the fact he got her so quickly means, hey, he's in too much pain to handle. Melanie just shrugs and says he's a man whore...which is really unhelpful because that means I dated a manwhore. AND to add to my total lack of self esteem lately this is how my brain has chosen to handle this:

I never meant anything to him. I was just 'another lay'. And now he's blissfully unaware of what is happening to me (crisis of self). Which sounds dramatic, but I really loved Addison. As people we fit very well. I could talk to him on the phone for hours! But circumstances stopped us from actually dating...and now he can talk on the phone with Becca for hours so hey, I'm starting to think he lied about that too...I'm in a sea of grossness. I can't even talk to him. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing...

Miss Independent

Looks like I'm Miss Independent again. Addison gave me a note on Wednesday saying he's not happy in our relationship anymore. Which meant I had to do 5 shows in a row without feeling the sadness. I didn't think I could block that kind of pain that sufficiently. Turns out I can. Go Libby...

I'll type the full note in here the next time I get on, at the moment I'm sleeping over and Melanie Whitlock's so I don't have it with me.

Basically though it boils down to this:
1. He needs to focus on his music
2. He's sick of me suffocating him
3. he'd rather hang out with his guy friends then me
4. He doesn't love me anymore

here's my reactions:
1. Bullshit
2. If he didn't want that then why the fuck is he dating me?
3. I'd like to think this means he's gay
4. Ouch. Major ouch. This is the one I won't recover from very easily....

We got a superior in the One Act Competition and Outstanding Ensemble Cast! It was pretty awesome.

Ugh...

So tomorrow we perform the show five times in a row for all the English Classes. And then I'll die. Ugh-cicles.

Addison and I kept fighting today. Not like heated debate fighting, like heart-wrenching I really love you but I can't do this anymore type fighting.

I do love him. He makes me so happy, or at least he used to. But I'm sick of waiting for him to be able to see me. I'm sick of not being able to call him. I'm sick of missing holidays and knowing that he's in Redfield all the fucking time. But most of all, I'm sick of his behavoir lately. The boys are blatantely more important then me. Whoopty fucking doo....

Spring Awakening

I'm in Minneapolis, minnesota and yesterday I saw spring awakening!!! I AM SO GLAD I GOT TO DO THAT!!! IT WAS SERIOUSLY LIKE ONE OF THE SWEETEST THINGS EVER! Plus, and here's where Trimble's influence on me shows, the lights were fantastic. There were all these little ones that were hanging down and whenever they turned on they looked like stars! It was beautiful!!! And the theatre was gorgeous beyond belief...they had this chandelier that was amazing.

Then after the show I met all the actors when me and my mom found the stage door where they were leaving. I got autographs and signatures from everyone and it was utterly fantastic. My mom was like a screaming fangirl...it was odd...

Addison is in Redfield, and I'm here. In the summer he'll be in redfield for entire months during the summer. How do I make that work? :(