Dear You,

Well hello. My name is Elizabeth Anne Jones Trammell, and I'm pretty upset...

But I refuse to be beaten by this. Beaten by a bad boy and a silly girl. Beaten by their mistakes.

I made my choice. I chose to focus on myself, on my senior year instead of saving you anymore. And now you have her. Which is fine. I hope you two are happy.

I am a dark, intruiging, beautiful girl who deserves someone more. Someone...better. Someone to make me laugh and to show me things that take my breath away.

But not yet. No, tonight I will be alone, and I will revel in the strength of me. I can endure, I can rebuild, and I can survive. I need no one but myself.

<3

I figure if I try to not sleep, then I will be too tired to feel anything anymore. Good plan! Yes? yes.

I'm laughing hysterically right now...Sean is dating Claire. CLAIRE. I love it when you look at your life and go, 'that can't be happening...' only it IS.
HE'S DATING THE GIRL WHO TOLD ME SHE WAS A LESBIAN
Oh boy...this is too damn good

REVELATION! This breakup was not all my fault like I thought it was...honestly, it wasn't. Because I thought you were perfect in my mind. Thank you for shattering this illusion

I slit my wrists, hoping I could bleed you out of my mind

Put a rope around my neck and jumped, would peace be mine?

Put a gun in my mouth, pulled the trigger, if my brain painted the walls would the thoughts go away?

Hard to tell, hard to say

I bet you I can't, I bet you i don't...

I'm such a coward I know that won't

Pathetic, Pathetic, Little girl

Remember when you thought you could take the whole world?

You cannot and could not, no, it's not yours

I find that I'm left staring at locked doors...

But none of it matters, and none of it's true

Guess now I find out, If I don't or I do

Running.

The hardest part of living is taking breath to stay...

oh, I had a good day. Sunshine, warmth, friends. And of course, you. Echoing on the corners of my thoughts.

Silly girl, thinking you can run away from the hole in your chest. You can't escape it. Simple, and true.

Oh, but I can try. I am, after all, a fantastic runner. Denial is a friend.

Dear Friends,

I'm much better then I have been a while...Sean and I found a truce. I feel...peaceful? It helps to be near Tasha and Trimble and my other friends...they make me feel centered...

Sunshine in my soul! I think things are going to be ok now. I forgive you.

So, maybe you're right.

About me, about how I am. Maybe I am a whore who hates everything and all that. Idk. I doubt it.

I believe in myself more than I'll believe in you. You say I didn't try to fix things, well look at you now. I apologized, never retailiated except for here.

And it's still not enough.

I am done. If you want to be friends, it's officially your job to tell me. Cause I'm tired of making you remember the good times.

Leaning now, into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, she falls to her knees
They had breakfast together,
but two eggs don't last like the feelings of what she needs

Now this place seems familiar to him,
she pulls on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs
left him dying to get in...

Forgive me I'm trying to find,
my calling I'm calling at night
I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl?
she's been running through my dreams
and it's driving me crazy it seems
I'm gonna ask her to marry me

The neighbors said she moved away,
funny how it rained all day...


I really like this song. Remembering Sunday by All Time Low...it's pretty much the perfect song for my current situtation. I guess I really should have seen this coming...and in the end this is what I can say...

You're using her you bastard. Date whoever you want, but DO NOT use girls who really like you. I know you'll date other people, hell I expect it. You know that it's not ok with her though. She really likes you, and...you're being terrible.

It's horrifying what some people can be. but hey, just fits my policy on people changing...there are three, and only three reasons that someone changes:

1. they grow up
2. they get hurt
3. they heal

We're both hurt. So, how much will we change do you think? I wonder...what I'll be by the end of this. I figure I'll be hollow...not suprisingly I'm halfway there. We'll find out. In the mean time, this is the only time I'll retaliate. I don't think you even read this anymore, so it hardly matters.

oh wow so tonight I had two very big firsts for me and Tasha:

1.) I told her everything about me and Sean. EVERYTHING. I had to. I needed someone to know why I'm not ok. Why I won't be.

2.) I cried in front of her. I had to pull into the LHS parking lot because I couldn't drive I was crying so fucking hard...

SOOOOOOOOOOO

Natasha, I love you. You always make me smile. You take care of me when I need it, and you call me beautiful and I half believe it! :D

So, here's to you little sister. Best friend. You make me laugh, smile, and you look up to me. Which makes me feel...idk...admired? It's nice.

I love you!

We are what we feel we are. Hardly anything more. I feel useless, whorish, fattish. I feel like I wronged someone, when I didn't. I AM NOT A WHORE. So stop fucking acting like I am. I am Libby Trammell, and I am a strong, independent woman who realizes that those who hate me are idiots.

They judge me because their friend tells them to. Well fuck that. They don't know me. Dont know the first fucking thing.

Yeah, I dont feel very confident lately. But, hey, I just need some time. I'll be cranky until I can toughen up. I'm sorry I'm moody and cannot function well. I'll learn to live without him, and then I'll be ok again. Just give me time.

I despise life sometimes.

Libby is awkward...

So, I guess Merecedes and Kenzi seem to think I know how to flirt...they asked me to teach them lol. Except I have no idea at all what I'm doing! :/

You guys think I'm all good at getting at boys...I'm not very good at it actually. I asked one boy to formal and got shot down. Asked another AS A JOKE and still got shot down. Oh go libby.

I'm just myself and the only boys I have are the ones that randomly stumble to me. Lol, sorry. I don't have a secret! :/ i just talk a lot

so, I saw Paranormal activity. And now i cannot sleep. oh joy...

i consider this blog a journal, so here are my current thoughts:

1. I'm so tired
2. hey, i love you
3. I miss you
4. I fall asleep every night wishing you were holding me. And I know that's not enough

How much time does it take? how many apologies? please, someone tell me

I am so frightened, I wish I could just sleep...

weighted down

I feel weighted down by people....
I'm to the point where I think I'm drowning with the weight of too many people hanging onto me makes me drown...I can't keep doing this

fuck my saving disorder...it's not my job to save you at all. It's yours. I gave you so many ways to help yourself girl, and you won't listen! I love you, and that's why I'm telling you this. I so want you to be happy! SO DO WHAT I SAY!

Thus far I do not have a formal date...there's one guy I'm thinking of asking. He makes me laugh. It's nice...

<3

Oh Deary Me...

So, I'm basically sitting in AP Literature and composition and ignoring the people around me whilst I blog...

My cellular device is dying. I just got it on saturday, and right now I cannot send any sort of text message. Ugh....

He's gone for the second day. This worries me.

Here are the things I know...

1. My name is Elizabeth Anne Jones Trammell, I am seventeen years of age, my hair is brown and my eyes are dark dark brown

2. I've offended two people close to my heart, and Melanie and Bridget, though you don't read this, I would like to apologize. I doubt it'll help. You've both said you 'don't care anymore'

3. I despise it when people tell me they'll love me forever. I only believe it when my mom says it, and even then it's iffy

4. I'm very unsure about my life. I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from underneath my feet and i'm lying there wonder what the hell happened.

Got me senior pictures taken today! All finished up!

Found out that my best friend since first grade is bad mouthing me with the boy who hates me (refer to comment from last post) and she hasn't even asked me how I am...well fuck fine then. You see, I am capable of handling things myself...it's this talent I have. I don't need any of you. Some of you are very important to me, but I think I'm done relying on anyone. It hurts too much when they bail and hate you suddenly and without warning.

Never trust a person who says they'll love you forever. They always lie.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

Oh dearling...it seems you truly do hate me now. And...that hurts. More than I can ever explain. You're in pain too. I'm so sorry I hurt you...it was never my intention. Maybe you won't believe me, and I guess there's not much I can do about that. You seem intent on hating me. That kind of determination cannot be swayed by me...so, farewell my dear.

Goodbye to those nights at the park where I felt so safe, curled up by you, surrounded by the safety of your arms.

Goodbye to our sleepovers where we would talk until we ran out of things to say, then we would sleep, dreaming of each other.

Goodbye to the only boy I could trust after Addison destroyed me. Goodbye to the peace you gave me.

Goodbye to my best friend, my caretaker, my companion, my lover for six months. Sometimes, when something happens to me, I find myself saying 'Oh I can tell you this...' well...silly Libby. You fucked that one up.

It seems I am destined for this pain. I rocket towards it without any control. Inevitable...? Yes, it truly is...nothing will save me now.

We cannot fix what we ourselves have broken. I won't drain your joy anymore darling...I will not speak to you again unless I absolutely must. I figure this is what you want.

Tears and Rain.

Thoughts....?

So, I was reading all my blogs from earlier and...I guess I would like to know where the hope is. Where is the hope that I'm going to be ok? What happens to the love that I have for someone?

How do you know it's true love? How can you be sure?

Can you guarantee me some solace? Some safety from this place in my heart that is so confusing?

Is it terrifying that I don't feel anymore? I've shut it down. No more feelings for that boy. He'll only hurt me more. So, I turned it off. Don't know what the effects will be yet....

Being numb is sometimes the only way to survive...

Goodbye My Lover...

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?'

Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the mother of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby,

I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

This is the end folks. Sean heard me and Erin joking about my date with James saturday night and now he doesn't wanna be friends or anything. So...I guess this is the end. Goodbye dear. I guess we just aren't good to each other.

Oh wowsy-kins

So, I slept over at Tasha's last night. That was fun! We talked about boys and made a make out list (a list of boys we'd kiss). I also went to the diner with Alex and Ziggy for Jessamynn's going away dinner. Ugh, I'm going to miss her! And Alex just pretty much flirted with me the whole time. I don't know what 2 make of it. And right now, in the current horny state I'm in, I really don't need the fake flirting/breathing on my neck...it's just a lot to deal with especially when I know that nothing will ever come of it since Alex has a girlfriend. So, yeah I don't appreciate the abuse not going to lie...goodness gracious.

Anyhoozle. This postcard just kind of a struck a chord within me because I never thought of rape that way. I still dont appreciate it of course but you can understand why this postcard is a little unique.

My heart feels a little better. I think right now I'm just fillng up the hole of not having Sean around. Him, Me and Natasha hung out today. Gotta say, he was meaner then I thought he would be. Tasha told me thats just how it works. Once you quit dating them they get mean...guess I didn't count on it though. That's just me I guess being oblivious thinking the rules are different than they actually are.

So, I'm watching Troy again. I love it.

Really great coincidence...

So, Kenzi and I were talking about we really wanted to buy Troy on DVD, and guess what? We went to the Super Target (our local hangout ;D ) and it was on sale for five dollah! GREAT! So, we bought it! Whoo hoo!

Achilles just said a very epic thing...

"Knowing you'll die makes everything in this moment more beautiful. You will never be where you are right now ever again."

It makes things comforting...idk, I really love it. It's deep. In my seventeen years I've found it to be true.

Things are simpler when you look at the world this way.

THREW IT ON THE GROUND! ...and kids with knives...

So, this is literally the funniest video I've ever seen on youtube! It's really hilarious! Watch it! WARNING! Swearing...it's called 'Threw it On the Ground'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMLwUItWmYo

So, I've had quite the eventful day! Oh gosh this has been a pretty emotion filled day...we'll just start listing them. I doubt you guys will read all of this:

Wade and Alex quit being technicians at the Washigton Pavilion because Steve the new head of Technicians is an ass. So, Wade is gone and Alex is only an Interactor, and he'll probably quit soon. Can't say I blame him. The KSDC is sinking like the Titanic...I wonder if it's time to grab a life raft...

Alex Danger figured out what breathing on my neck does to me (turns me on major) and now he says he's going to do that every time I work with him. I'll kill myself or I'll kiss him hardcore...idk which one yet lolz

BIG STRESSER OF THE NIGHT:
So, Ziggy and I were chilling at the Falls after our shift and this green car came zooming into the parking lot. And these five real scary characters get out, and two have on black robes and are carrying knives. Bull shit you not. KNIVES. So, I calls the police and they come and arrest them and basically Zig and I were scared shitless. This was so terrible! Ugh! The police were really glad we called though...guess we did something right?

I went to Madison's to see Natasha after this happened hoping that I could get some of it off my chest...and Sean was there. His glasses broke hardcore...and I feel really bad for him...he seems really depressed. It hurts my heart...I miss him. I don't even need to be dating him, I just miss our friendship. He's been my closest friend for almost six months...things seem a little colder without him

Merecedes is on the phone with me right now...oh gosh I love her so much! It's amazing! We're going to Juice Stop for lunch tomorrow and we'll talk about love and life and stuff! She always expands my mind and makes me feel happy. She's really good at listening.

Blogging at School

Yeah, I am blogging at school. Would you like to fight about it? lolz...

So, Sean and I are fighting like cats and dogs. I really hate it. But I don't think we can get along. Even though I gave him a ride to school every day this week. This is ridiculous! I don't deserve the shitty attitude dude. Legit. And maybe I shouldn't put this on my blog but I'm still upset so there!

I miss Merecedes...I rarely ever see her anymore! D: I miss our deep chats and our shopping days Merecedes. Sniff sniff...

I really don't like things sometimes...doubt if that made sense? I can't wait to go to college. This city suffocates me, and I need to expand. I feel...limited? Like there's something waiting for me that I haven't found yet. Restless...

Ugh. Sorry my blogs have been so very very depressing lately...here's some happy:

1.) Pretty sure I like my new haircut...
2.) I think things will get better...
3.) I'm going to work tonight which means I won't have time to think about this shitty breakup...

YAY! LIFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Lonely...

So, I think I've pinpointed why I've felt so numb from the world as of late, besides the fact that it's a defense mechanism for myself. It's because I'm alone again, and I don't know how to handle that. I mean I have friends and I have a job and I have a family...but it's not the same. You guys know that. It's crippling almost...feeling this isolated. I feel...cold? Yes, cold...

What makes me feel this way?
My skin still tingles with your touch, longs to feel it often
Anger, Angst, Confusion, Doubt
Cloud my mind,
I stumble, blind to what I want
Scraped up palms, knees bleeding hard
I collapse, alone on the concrete
My mind screams why
My heart screams no
My spirit fled long ago

There is nothing left but pain

Good god, will the fog EVER CLEAR?!?!

In "Gone with the Wind" Scarlett has this nightmare where she's running through the fog, screaming for something that's just out of her reach. And she's lost, forever, running after whatever that thing is. Well...I think that's me right now. Screaming, stumbling, searching, crying.

I think I know what my heart wants, but then again, I must consider the effects it will have on those around me. After all, that's always important.

My very last wish is to hurt you...because I think that's what'll kill me in the end. Knowing that I've hurt all those people. I'm so lost...

Anything to anchore me to this world...alcohol, kisses, fights....I'm floating. And I fear I'll never find my way back...

When Everything feels like the movies...man you bleed just to know you're alive...