day before! :o

TOMORROW GREG AND I ARE LEAVING ON A TRIP TO OMAHAAAAAA! :D

We're going to the zoo. I'm so excited!

I'm getting up at 6:00 and we are heading out bout that time. That's crazy awesome :)

Love you all! :O

Well Hey there Buster Baby...

So, my last post was me in the very pit of my lonliness...and guess who dropped out of nowhere?

I used to have a cat named Buster...we didn't get along. He ended up leaving with Richard's daughter (my step sister) Sara. Well, Sara doesn't want him anymore. So he's going to be living in the basement with me...and I like it :)Cause he's lost a lot of his friends now, just like me. I feel like I've made a good friend here. We found each other in the midst of lonliness? that sounds overdramatic I guess.

Imma go shopping with greg today and get Buster a scratching post! And a collar! :o

I'm pretty fucking scared...

What if I can't make it in college?

What if I won't be the adult I always wanted to be?

What if I become just like everyone else?

What if something really is broken inside of me, and I can never trust anyone again?

What if this pessimist inside of me never leaves?

What if I stop fighting?

What if I slip?

What if I fall?

What if I made so many mistakes that I'll never be able to climb out of them all?

My life is a compilation of what if's. And of course I'm scared. Too scared to move. I don't think I'm doing so good.

Job I hate.
People who will leave so soon.
I never thought I would wake up one morning hating the world and myself like I do.

I'm not sure what I'm becoming

But I know it's never something I aimed for.

Watching TV.

I am watching Bones. Oh gosh I love it. But anyyyyyyways...

Spent the whole day being sick ish on the couch. Greg came over and watched 'Trueblood' with me...

it was nice :)

Gee thanks, dad!

I got my schedule! And my Student ID and all that stuff...only I still dont' know what imma do for my major...
and that somehow makes dad think he shouldn't congratulate me...

lovely.

You want to know the only adult who's told me that they're proud of me? Richard Hauffe. He's a sweetie. He told me he's proud of the person I've become. And he's always been proud of my achievments, even if I don't know what I want to do.

Dad hasn't even told me he loves me for a while. I say it, he grunts.

Hauffe should have been my father. He's a stepdad. But at this point I feel closer to him than any other adult in my life.

Spent some time with Gregory today :)

Nothing but a mattress on the floor, a pizza, and TrueBlood on the TV, and yet I couldn't have been happier.

Your kisses tasted like Peppers.

Heaven.

Chasing Pirates by Norah Jones :)

Good song...

anywhoozles.

So I'm going through all my old e-mails that I've saved and I found a bunch of convos that Addison had when we were dating :o lol wow we were kind of idiots. Seriously, it's us both trying to be sexy and coming out really ridiculous. Go us. Lol.

I think forgiveness is difficult. Forgiving myself for wasting my time with things that never really worked...yeah. I need to learn to go easy on myself. Because in the end...

I'm all I have.

Lovely Bones...

Is a great book and an OK movie. Personally I recommend that book a lot more than I do most other literature. It will change you through making you realize how fragile we all really are.

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
can i handle the seasons of my life?


well I've been 'fraid of changing cause I built my life around you...but time makes older, children get older, I'm getting older too.

So, screw this. Screw feeling insecure all the time. I'm sick of being afraid.

I'm sick of worrying that Greg will destroy me the way Sean did. I'm tired of trust issues...

we have no time, none of us. Grab what you can, love fully. and fear can talk a walk.

I'm going to conquer this. I'm going to learn to give my heart fully again...

Its going to take time, but I will.

Oh man....dodged that one

So i found a lump in my breast this past month, and i have a really loaded history of breast cancer on both sides, so I was like 'oh shiiiiiit!' so I went in to see the doctor this morning and it turns out that when you drink Coke/caffeine as much as I do, it can make the muscles in your breast go rigid and you think there's a lump when there's not...dang. So girls, be wary, and remember, if you find something, see if its on both sides. If it's not, then see a doctor.

Sorry if boys reading this got uncomfortable. But seriously. It's really scary, so just deal with it.

My new roommate seems very cool and I'm excited to room with her next year. Meg and I have already planned out our color scheme for our room and which posters we are going to want :)

I feel really apathetic about everything in my present life, and very excited about everything in my future. This is the summer of my senior year and I'm...bored? I'll never feel this way again. The world will never be laid out in front of me ready to see which paths i walk.

It's really stupid actually. For every decision you make, for every path you decide to walk, for every door you go through, ten close because you didn't chose them. I'm frightened of making mistakes. I'm scared I don't care as much as I used to about so many things.

What do you do when you don't even care enough to figure out why you're a zombie of emotions?

how can i walk away when my roots are dug in so deep?

Ziggy Zig Zig :)

I was just reading Ziggy's blog, and he mentioned me soooooooooooo

shoutout! :) I miss you you readheaded silly person. I was watching the fantastic Mr fox the other day...thought of you! Oh man remember how ridiculous we were back in the day? I'm so glad you and Sonya are happy Zig :) I love you! And good for you moving out! GTFO! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. your parents suck ass. Oh, and i'll come visit you at Famous Dave's :)

Take two

I was going through a few old time posts and i came across one where I listed some stuff...and I'm thinking I'll do that again!

Things I miss:

1. Being healthy
2. Having something to do
3. Seeing my friends every day

I'm nervous about:

1. College
2. Keeping my job
3. Screwing up things that matter

I'm excited for:

1. College
2. Freedom
3. Gregory :)
4. Moving on

oh and you should all listen to the song 'shark in the water' by vv brown

Soreeeeee throat

Ok so this virus kicked my ass all over the place...luckily it looks like I'm getting over it. Still really sore, and my voice is very bad still, but i'm on the mend and that's important...

I've been trapped in my house for four days...i'm really upset by that. I want some interaction outside of this place. I think that's the part that sucks the most about being ill...

Well...

I love you guys! hit up my formspring!

Hmmmmmmmm....

Well...the virus I have is on the mend. I mean I'm still in a lot of pain...but it's not as awful as it was before. The cough is the worst part of it.

Greg got his phone wet when he was in the lake yesterday, so communication with him is cut off which makes me a sad panda...

Dark rooms, empty
rain coming down outside
the smell reminds me of you
it's something that centers me

I'm very much in need of some company...my house is empty...